Smoking is the new Atkins.

I feel kinda guilty because I'm not all that jazzed about going home in a couple days. I haven't been there since June and that's the longest I've ever gone without seeing my family, so you'd think I would be counting down the minutes, but so far that is so not the case. It's not that I don't miss them, because I do...I dunno what it is, really.

I guess it's because I know I'm gonna get a bunch of lectures. My dad's way of lecturing is to ask me awesome questions like "Damn girl, how much bigger you gonna get?" Ugh. Then he'll wait three seconds and ask me to drive him to some restaurant. Mixed signals much?

Then there's my sisters. Who are basically somewhat thin through means of never eating and/or smoking their meals. They sit there surviving on diet cokes and Hershey's Nuggets and KOOL 100s and tell me my lifestyle is unhealthy. I accidentally let it slip on my last visit that I was diabetic and my sister Linda was like "YOU GOT THE SUGARS?" The sugars. That's my family, folks. We've never even lived in a trailer so I'm not sure how it happened, but it did.

Oh well, at least I'll get to see my brother, who I truly do miss on a daily basis. And my nephew who I love in person but hate talking to on the phone since he always makes me talk to the dog, and the dog is a shitty conversationalist. Plus my brother is the only one in my family who takes me out for exotic meals that don't start with Chicken Fried _____. (you fill in the blank, and they will fry it. Ah, Texas.)

Plus the previously mentioned flying fat. Urgh. Everything about it just seems annoying to me right now. Maybe it's headache talking...

Moving on...I went to Amber's birthday party tonight. I thought it was gonna be shitty and uncomfortable because of the 5-6 people from work that she invited, I was the only one who didn't bail at the last minute. So it was basically her whole family and me. But, I actually had a lot of fun. They're a great family, really loving and constantly cracking jokes and just having a good time. To be honest, I was pretty jealous. Being around a family like that just reminds me how much my whole family pretty much hates each other. I wish we could all get together and have a good time like that, but I may as well be wishing for a million dollars to fly into my pocket. (either would be great...)

I think at this point in my life, I'm just tired of being around people who create drama to fill their otherwise boring lives. If they could all just shut the fuck up and get over the stupid shit from the past, I think we could all be cool again. But it's like talking to a brick wall with these people. And then they wonder why I don't wanna move back home...

I'm done whining. Hope everyone had a nice Saturday :)

Spoiler Alert: I'm fat.

So today has been all... and...
and...

So I feel like a total...

And I need one of these:

And one of these:

And in only 3 days I'm gonna be on one of these:

...and it's gonna suck because nothing is worse than flying as a fattie. Oh the dread!

I was doing pretty okay all week so far, so I dunno what my deal is today but I have been a bottomless pit since like 9am after I had my "on-plan" breakfast.

Some days I feel so strong and the next day...it's gone.

I'm chewing gum like it's going outta style because it's the only thing keeping me from shoveling another brownie into my mouth. Can't wait for this day to be OVER.

Oh well...at least it's Friday.

New Lease on Life...

Dudes! I'm excited!

Our lease is ending on April 30, and I can't fucking WAIT because I super hate these crumby apartments and we've been here way too long due to procrastinating and being lazy. BUT...we just left a deposit at our fancy NEW apartment, yay! They're brand new, that's awesome. Like not just "new to us" but NEW new, like new for reals. And it has an awesome kitchen and a full-size washer and dryer INSIDE the apartment, and look look LOOK:

Yeahhh, Boyeeee! Free exercise room, and it stays open until midnight, not like the shitty one here that closes at 6 (stupid!) I am super jazzed. I mean, I just want out of this place, and for only $32 more a month, we're getting a better everything, a safer neighborhood, fitness center, and a lot of motivation to like get organized and get our lives in a better place. I am super psyched, yay!

It may seem like I'm being a total dweeb about a freaking apartment, but this place has been pretty hellish for me. My car got stolen here! I never got it back. Someone drove it to San Diego then lit it on fire. I loved that car! (liability doesn't pay for stolen cars, FYI.) Our other car got broken into, our tire got slashed, I got peeped(!!), the neighbor upstairs turned on his bathroom faucet and fell asleep and it ended up flooding our kitchen and bathroom, the other upstairs neighbor like left his dog there to die when he moved out (wtf people?)...seriously, lots of shitty shit going on here, and May 1st can't come soon enough for me, brother.

I'm just excited :)

In other news...is Paula Deen going commando or like wtf is going on under those pants?

Liberation, my ass.

God, I can't wait until I'm at a decent enough size to find a bra that actually fits and doesn't drive me fucking batshit crazy every day. Allllll day long, it's pull and tug and pull and tug and sdfkjasdl. HATE. I don't care what anyone says, sometimes being a girl flat-out sucks. And being a fat girl, at that...don't get me started.

I can't wait to get home and rip this thing off like Woodstock 2009. Stupid job.

They're nature's candy!

Day 2...Fiber One Raisin Bran Clusters is pretty good, but the clusters are weird. Less clusters, more raisins, says I.

I went to Sonic late last nite to grab a diet Limeade because I thought it was the safest thing to do since I just wanted SOMETHING. As I was paying, the cute little teenager at the window said something that I couldn't figure out. It was like this...
"Blah blah blah!"
"Huh?"
"Blah blahblah blah BLAH!"
"Oh...okay!"
And I drove away.
Apparently I can't speak teenager anymore :(
I got like a mile down the street before I realized I was wearing Jeff's Iron Maiden shirt and the kid was saying "Cool Maiden shirt!...I like your Maiden shirt!"
NERTS! My one chance to feel cool in front of the youth of America, and I ruined it with my Granny-like hearing! What's that, sonny?

Side note: Far be it for me, of all people, to think that I should give people advice on dieting. My "one-week-ON, four-weeks-OFF" approach hasn't really been working out for me, but STILL, even a non-loser like me knows a thing or six about dieting. So there's this lady that sits next to me at work that says that she is on a "strict" diet. She's doing some things right...like...she eats a freaking bag of celery a day, I swear. All day all I hear is "CHOMP... crunchcrunchcrunch... CHOMP... crunchcrunchcrunch... (repeat 40million times.)" BUT...it's her cereal in the morning that's killing me. It's not that cereal is a bad choice, it's just the portion size. It is the hugest bowl I've ever seen anyone eat cereal in, including Jethro from The Beverly Hillbillies. It's gotta be at least half a box of raisin bran or shredded wheat or whatever happens to be the flavor du jour.

So the next time I hear her complaining about how she doesn't understand why she's not losing, should I say something? I wanna teach her the ways of the measuring cup, but I don't wanna feel like an asshole. "Who's this fat bitch trying to teach me about dieting?" <---That is what I DON'T want. But if I was really trying to diet whole-heartedly and there was something that I was doing wrong, I'd want someone to tell me. So...what do you think I should do?

Le Mondays...

I hate when I wake up at 4:30 with that I-have-to-pee feeling. I only have 50 more minutes to sleep so do I ignore it and hold it for an hour? Or do I get up and do the dang thing then try to bang out a nap before the alarm clock goes off? Either way, all that contemplating pretty much makes sleep impossible so I just get up. Somehow that missing hour of sleep turns out to be some kind of indicator that I will be having a crappy day. And I am!

It started innocently enough. I get up, get dressed, grab the blazer, grab the lunch, grab the keys and head out to face the day. Get in the car, turn it on (whew!). Turn the station on the radio and realize The Adam Carolla Show got cancelled (SHIT!). Find some way inferior morning show to listen to, and put the car in reverse. Clunk...clunk...clunk. Oh Jesus. I have 20 minutes to get to work and I have a full-on flat tire. Like Ally McBeal flat. (1996 anyone?)

Normally it wouldn't matter if I was a little late to work, but now that I'm on this stupid opening shift, the world would seemingly cease to exist if I don't make it here on time. I was able to get a ride from Jeff's dad in an amazingly coincidental stroke of good luck. I ended up getting here with about 14 seconds to spare. Take that, Universe!

I had cereal, blackberries and yogurt for breakfast. And I had the soup and salad I brought for lunch, so there's a slight possibility that I may be able to make it an entire day on plan if the LAZIES don't talk me out of cooking dinner when I get home tonight. There may even be an evening walk in my not-so-distant future if the tire thing doesn't end up eating away my whole night. I really can't afford new tires, so that still stinks, but we'll see how it pans out. Prepare yourself for long bloggy bitch session about it tomorrow, more than likely.

So...how's your day goin'?

I'm getting a tingling sensation...

I think it's awesome that the Pharmacy waiting area at Wal-Mart is directly across from the "Family Planning" section. Seriously, just me and a 90-year-old woman waiting for our heart pills with a luxurious view of 4,000 bottles of Astroglide.

On the plus side, I did see an old dude cruise over with nothing in his cart except a bottle of wine, a steak, and two potatoes. He bought the largest size bottle of KY Touch and the Pleasure Pack of Trojan Condoms. Hellz yeah, dude. I mean, he was old. Like...the old silver fox old. I liked thinking that even at that age, he still had a plan to get SOME. I didn't like THINKING about him getting it or anything though. I mean, I liked the thought, but I wasn't thinking about it...there's no cool way to say this, so I will just say Rock On, Dude.

In another startling turn of good luck, the pharmacist ended up giving me my prescriptions for free because I had to wait like a half hour. SA-WEET! Granted, it was only $14, but still, I only make $14 an hour at work and this was only half an hour so it's like I got paid double time just to sit next to condoms on my day off. Say what you will about Wal-Mart (they are evil, agreed), but free stuff is free stuff, so I am having a pretty good day.

I bought my lettuce and fiber one and chicken and other boring things so I guess I'll try to be good this week before FATapalooza starts next Tuesday. Promise this is the last time I'll update today!

Have your air and eat it too...

Here's the thing: I am a total whore for clearance sales. It so doesn't matter what it is, or whether or not I "need" it...if you mark that sucker down at least 75%, chances are, I'll buy it. So last July-ish, I went into Bath & Body Works and they had these tubs, like literal tubs, of generic stuff that was on sale super clearance-y cheap. I ended up buying about 10 of those Wallflower refill thingies that you plug into the wall and they make your apartment smell less like your boyfriend and your cat and more like a fresh spring meadow or like...coconut. You know?

Well, I always forget to replace them so they sit there empty burning energy or whatever they do until one day Jeff decides to be a good little wife and switch them out. It's nice to come home to a new smell, and I enjoy it thoroughly. But now we're at the bottom of the barrel, so to speak, when it comes to selection. I don't mind my house smelling like laundry or fruit or something, but what did I walk into Friday nite after a long snacky day at work? Cake! Caramel Cake!

I got my hopes all up!

"Hey honey...you makin' a cake?!"
"(asleep)...wha?"
"I smell cake."
"...it's caramel cake. oh, air fresheners."

UGH. What a letdown. I so wanted cake. I've been wanting cake all damn weekend now. Not cool, B&BW. How am I supposed to not eat cake for the next 45-60 days until this stupid scent wears out? I wanna go buy a different scent, but I promised I wouldn't spend money until we get back from our trip ARGH! What are they thinking making candles and air fresheners and shit that smells so much like real food? I need like, a brocolli candle or something. Anything to make me want something green. Where are you on that one, scent makers? From now on, I at least READ the name of a scent before I buy it.

Now I gotta go run 50 errands since I didn't have a car all weekend. Sharing a car totally sucks! Here's hoping I don't drive past a conveniently-placed bakery...

Where we're going, we don't need roads...

I realize I'm adding a lot of people to my blog dealie here who may not know who I am or what my deal is. If you have burning questions or painful urination, see a doctor!...or see my old website HERE. :)

There's a lotta blah-bloggity-bloggin goin' on there.

I don't FEEL tardy...

I finally bit the bullet and decided to upgrade to a Blogger account. I feel like I just graduated Blog School and now I have to be an adult and get a blog on a website that doesn't suck as much as Freewebs. Eh, it was fun while it lasted, but I got tired of it eating my posts and having a shitty excuse for a social network.

I've been working on a master plan as far as the whole weight loss thing goes. I wanna commit to a year. I bet if I could go a whole year of cutting out (most) junk food, I could probably lose a lot of weight. Then maybe after a year, I'll be like "hey, that wasn't so bad!" and just keep going as opposed to counting down the days to my next bag of Doritos. I'm not planning on turning all food nazi or anything, I mean, that's just not me. I have little to no discipline as it is, so if I can resolve to just letting a slip-up be a slip-up and not turning it into a month of 10,000 calorie days, then I will be pretty pleased with myself.

Lately I've been pretty bad. It's mostly snacking and making bad choices. Like I ate a can of cashews at my desk the other day. When work was finally over, I reached for the lid to put back on the can and realized the damn thing had like 3 broken cashews left at the bottom of the can. How the hell did that even happen? The ironic thing is that I bought the can so I could have a small serving a day so I would stop getting my 2pm candy bar from the vending machine and I ended up eating like 10x the calories in that stupid Twix over an 8-hour course of mindless eating. Way to combat that afternoon snacking, girlie.

Gotta be more aware...

Moving on...this plan of action, per se. It's not starting until I get back from Texas. Sure, the adult thing to do would just be all "I'M STARTING NOW!"...but...no. I'm going home to visit my family next Tuesday and I'll only be there a week and my family is big on eating and I am big on eating and so I plan on eating big. I know it's probably not the smartest decision, but I'm being realistic. I'd rather not make another promise to eat better that I have no intention of keeping and then coming back home all pissed off and disappointed in myself. In the meantime, I will at least try to eat LESS, even if I'm not eating better. No more cashews!

I went into Casual Male XL this week to get some shorts for Jeff. I ended up getting myself a new Beatles t-shirt. I kinda hate shopping there because a) everything is outrageously priced and b) it makes me feel like people think I'm some butch lesbian who will only wear man-clothes. It's not my fault they don't make babydoll Ts in a 5X, dudes. I really wanted this Van Halen tshirt they had there, but the cashier guy said it only goes up to a 4X. What the deuce? Why?! Literally every other t-shirt in the store goes up to a 6X, so it didn't make sense to me. I guess it's true what they say...David Lee Roth hates fat people. Shame. Really. I tried it on in a 4X JUST to check, but it was too huggy on the rolls, so I passed. We'll meet again, Diamond Dave...we shall meet again. Also, WHY are there no mirrors in the fitting rooms at Casual Male? Are all male fitting rooms like that? Tell me, I wanna know. Ladies' fitting rooms have like 360 degree mirror coverage and guys get zero? You charge $32.50 for a tshirt and you can't afford to crudely hang at least one of those $4 mirrors from Wal-Mart in each stall? I demand equality now!

Welcome to my blog, friends. I'm gonna go do laundry now.