All Up In Muh Grilllll...

So as far as the weigh-in goes, I was up 0.2, which ain't bad considering all the shit I ate over the weekend. Well, I was up like a pound, but then I peed and ran (walked slowly) up the stairs and weighed in again and it was only up 0.2. If only I could have done that about 14 more times, then maybe I could have stayed in the lead. Also, this one girl lost 5.6 in one week! I call SHENANIGANS! She's only like 170something, so how in the hell? Colonic? Laxatives? Diet and Exercise? BALDERDASH! I dunno how I'm gonna catch up to that ho now, but I'll still try. She's on vacation this week so maybe I'll get lucky and she will spend the week in a vat of nacho cheese or possibly grow a large tumor. Noncancerous...I'm not a monster.

Lest you think your eyes are deceiving you, YES, that does say stairs. MY SWORN MORTAL ENEMY! They still kick my ass every time. It's only one stinkin' flight but goddang. You'd think I was trying to heft 400 pounds up them or something. Oh.

I only do it twice a day for now. Once for the morning pee break and once for the afternoon pee break. It's okay as long as I don't run into anyone I know in the hallway on the way back who expects me to have the breath to say something. This one lady cut me off RIGHT at the top of the staircase and was all "Hey stranger, I never see you anymore!" She's right, but NOW IS NOT THE TIME, LADY. I just coughed and was like "stupid cold!" then gave her the universal hand signal for "call me" cause if I had to muster up even one more outta-breath word, I'm pretty sure I woulda dropped dead right there at her feet.

I have been made to understand that stairs "will get easier." Only time will tell...

Diet-wise, I been doing pretty good. There's a story about a lollipop, but it's for another day cause this is already getting long and I have things to doooooo.

Check it: Have you guys met Big Clyde? He's a pretty cool fella, so maybe you should go check out his blog if you haven't already. He's hosting a new challenge called The MayDay Challenge, so I'm doing that. At this point, I figure I need all the challenges I can get since it's so close to so many food-centered events in my life coming up. The more nagging thoughts of impending failure I have in my head, the better! The object of the challenge is to set a goal...then do it by May 1. My goal is to lose ten pounds. It's doable so I'm gonna do it. Check it out if you want in :)

I would like to end this post by saying officially that...it's grilling season. Watch out, bitches!
81 degrees...unacceptable!

If you like making love at midnite...

This weekend really got away from me. I'm praying to the Gods of Pounds and Ounces to have mercy for my weigh-in this morning, but I never was much into faith-based healing, so I'm not holding my breath or anything.

I went to Angel's house for Girls' Night, which was essentially a night of eating junk dipped in chocolate fondue (where have you been all my life?), drinking an unladylike amount of booze and bitching about the men in our lives. But that's not all! There was also...

Annoying fucking cats!...

Inappropriately-titled foods no one would touch!...

Bracelet name-calling!...

Pictionary with a lot of dick drawings!...

MEGABED!...

Journey sing-alongs!...

The worst socks ever!...

And of course, pina coladas!

Stupid booze. I don't even like to drink. I take my alcohol like I take my coffee...resembling a liquified candy bar. I seriously can't drink unless it's a cup of sugar, so it's kinda pointless because it's not like there's ever enough booze in it to really get drunk and there seems to be just enough for me to want to wash it down with a bag of Chex Mix and brownies the size of my head. Shit is dumb.

To be honest, it could have been worse. I know I've soberly eaten way more junk at one time, but still...I was on a roll, and I fucked up. But I'm over it. Back on my shit today and looking to get rid of whatever fatness I picked up this weekend. I vowed a strict No-Candy Easter for myself and I plan on sticking to it.

At some point in the near future, I hope I'll be able to have my fun without eating it. There's always something going on and it's just gonna take some good ol' fashioned JUST SAY NO to get through all the bullshit occasions in my life. I'm glad I went out and I'm glad I had fun, but I think I could have had fun without the regrettable food decisions and maybe I was just looking for an excuse to eat crap.

Make it a good week, guys!

Shame on all of you! Give me my dignity! I just came here to see "Honk If You're Horny" in peace.

I actually got some time away today from the World's Most Boring Trainee and got a chance to catch up on some blogs. Still can't comment most of them from work, which still sucks a lot, because comments make the world go 'round! (hint.)

I read something today that made me think. Dangerous, I know. You know Tony, right? Not the Tony from that Subway diet blog, but the other one, the panda! Well he posted about food porn and how much it sucks sometimes to be staring at pictures of shit you wanna eat but shouldn't. As someone who now posts weekly pics of the highest-calorie collages on the interwebz, I will admit, I felt a little guilty!

On one hand, I wanna think if we don't have enough willpower to not be terribly tempted by PICTURES of food, what hope do we have around the real thing?? But on the other hand, torture is illegal for a reason!

That being said, my damn profile picture is a donut. It combines two of my favorite things in the whole wide world: dough and sugar. Plus, it's the donut from The Simpsons!

(Side Note: When the Simpsons Movie came out, they turned some 7-11 stores into Kwik-E Marts and IT WAS THE MOST AWESOME THING EVER! Me and Jeff went there at 3am and got awesome fresh pink donuts with sprinkles, Squishies, boxes of Krusty-Os and a six-pack of Buzz Cola! My heart swelled with fangirl glee, then hardened from cholesterol. Many awesome pictures were taken including this one:

featuring my all-time favorite Simpsons character: JASPER! In a freezer, no less. I am sad for him, but also happy to see him, you know? Anyway, END SIDENOTE!)

So yeah, I loved that donut so I love that picture. But who the heck wants to stare at a donut all day while they eat a plate of boring veggies? Not me, that's who.

So I got a new profile pic. One to reflect my shiny new health kick!

Hopefully it doesn't tempt anyone to make bad decisions. Unless you're allergic to grapefruits...in which case, sucks to be you because I LOVE GRAPEFRUITS!

If you ever see the donut picture come back, assume things are NOT good and feel free to give me a mighty kick right in my ass. Thanks, friends!

P.S. If you've never seen the "King-Sized Homer" episode of the Simpsons, I would STRONGLY urge you to do so immediately. Like, immediately. You can thank me later. Byebye.

WIDE Wednesday!

Exercise is a relative term. I think all forms of activity should be counted as exercise. It doesn't have to be in a gym or on a mountain. Some of us have a broken foot and do what we can. That being said, I've been really busting my ass the last few days at work and I've been coming home every night with a very swollen left foot begging for sweet sweet release from it's caged Skecher.

It makes me wonder if this stupid foot will ever get better. I was explaining to Jeff tonite that eating better makes me naturally want to do things besides sit on the couch watching Pawn Stars marathons. I sit there, I want to eat. I can go to the mall and pass every pizza and pretzel stand and not care because I'm not sitting somewhere deeply immersed in finding out if the Paul Revere spoon is a real or fake. (it was real!) BUT...this foot is fucking with my good intentions. It's like walking around with a bear trap stuck to my leg.

I guess walking around a little more at work and defying the deeply set Rules of the Cubicle, coupled by some mall browsing a few times a week, will have to work for now. I'd like to see some pool time in my future but apparently there's some law that no one I know will set up their pool until at least May, so I'm just biding my time...

In this rare time in my life where I'm trying to make no excuses, it sucks that there are so many readily available. I don't intend on letting this foot keep me fat...but it will make things slower. Oh well, baby steps, remember? Baby bear-trap steps...

Anywho, it's Wednesday, so that means it's time to see WHAT I DIDN'T EAT! (who else realized the acronym is WIDE? oh man...perfect.) There was lots of shit I didn't eat from that potluck at work. I was pretty proud of myself. Nary a cookie touched these lips! I ate a lot of my green fruit tray...and pretty much no one else touched it. So hurt.

If I'm being totally honest, I did eat 6 mini eggs. But that was only like 100 calories and I had that to spare. I still included it because I didn't eat the whole bag in one sitting, which would have been the norm. There, now my conscience is free and I can sleep at night. Make it a great Wednesday, dudes!

I represent Queens, she was raised out in Brooklyn...

So...I only lost 1.6 this week. Not sure why...I did all the right shit. Might be that I'm eating too late at night. Or too many carbs. It's a work in progress, progress being the operative word here. Meaning, hey, at least I'm still doing it, and doing it fairly well, if me and LL Cool J have anything to say about it.

BUT...I'm finally leading the dang Biggest Loser Challenge at work! Hooray! Only by a super tiny margin of 1/10th of a point, but it still counts! I also got the highest loss percentage of the week, even with my paltry 1.6. Rejoice!

I will admit, when my boss came up to my desk and ducked her head in to tell me I was in the lead, it was pretty darn exciting. Small victories! Then she patted me on the back and I was like "WHAT IS THIS STRANGE AWESOME SENSATION??" A pat on the back, like a real one. Definitely something I need more of in my worklife...and life-life, in general.

Re-enactment shown here, with dogs.

Now alls I gotta do is keep kickin' it for 11 more weeks and I win da moneyssss. I decided if I win, I'm gonna use the money to buy a steak the size of my head. Kidding...I'll prolly pay the power bill or something boring like that. Or pay someone to fan me during these upcoming hellish summer months. Or...get some workout shit. The world is my oyster! Just me and my $150ish dollars!

Mostly, I think I wanna win just to like...win. For the pats on the back!

Now I know why they call it Bloody Sunday.

You know, I was always taught to respect my elders. But somewhere along the way, I think I realized that not all old people deserve to be respected.

Today started out good enough. I knew Catherine's was having a 40% off sale so I decided to ruin a perfectly good day by going there to try on swimsuits. Those swimsuits were like, "whoa whoa whoa, so you've been on a diet for three weeks...let's not get carried away here!" I ended up buying one because "Mall Daze" and perfectly-stationed mirrors made me believe I looked okay in it. When I got home and tried it on in front of a REAL mirror, I quickly realized I'd be making a return in my not-so-distant future. Oh well, here's to another summer of shorts and t-shirts.

I had a point to this...oh yeah! So this old lady's in front of me in line, and she's talking shit from like the second she gets in line. It's a mall on a Sunday, lady...there's a line, deal with it. It's finally her turn to pay and she has a million questions about sizes because she's trying to buy her daughter some jeans. That's nice enough and all. But Catherine's sizes are all stupid because God forbid a woman has to buy a 32W instead of some made up code-word size 10 in fat-ass Catherine's sizes. Shit is dumb, but whatever.

So the lady's like "well, she needs a 6X." To which the store employee informs her that they don't carry sizes that high. This is when the just-regular-grumpy-0ld-lady turns into psycho-bitch-from-hell-old-lady. She says "I swear. I wish this bitch would buy her own damn pants. I tell you the fatter her ass gets, the lazier she gets!" Whoa. First off, best chill on that fat and lazy talk considering you are in a store full of fat ladies who are probably dieting and pissed off already that the world hates fatties. (read: me.)

Awkwardness ensues. You can tell everyone within earshot is torn between wanting to slice her face open and wanting to understand that it's just "wacky old person talk." I am doing everything in my power not to grab a pair of nearby Spanxx and put the old bat out her misery. She shuts up and pays and I figure she's outta there. NO. She decides to stick around and hang out at the counter for like no fucking reason other than to further test my impending murderous rage.

I step up to pay and the lady takes that tag thingy off my swimsuit. Here she goes piping up again. "Hey, that's a big swimsuit. What size IS that??" The lady tells her. I stare daggers. "Yeah, that might fit her. It's real pretty. Yeah, if it's fit YOU, I'm sure it'll fit her!" Oh great. So now I'm bigger than the fat lazy bitch at home that won't buy her own pants. I'm feeling like super-good about myself right about now, by the way.

Long story short (four paragraphs too late), they didn't have another one in that size so her old ass finally leaves. Part of me wants to keep the swimsuit just so I know it's not in stock for her. But...well, I need the money. :)

It's just...I dunno. I don't get what happened to you in your life that just makes you decide to go out on a Sunday afternoon to fuck with people you don't even know. If she thinks they're just harmless statements, then it's time to put her in a home. Since when does turning 70 give you a license to be a complete asshole?

Maybe I'm being a hypocrite because I'm sitting here talking mad shit about the elderly, but it's not like I'm going into medical supply stores or a Denny's at 4pm and saying stereotypical just-plain-mean shit about the old people sitting around in there.

Ugh.

Also, I would never let anyone else buy me pants!

Anyway, weigh-in today. Hope it's a good 'un.

Oh and I still need a swimsuit. Dammit.

And just once I'd like to meet a nice little granny who'll knit me a hat and offer me ribbon candy. I know they're out there...I've seen them on TV!

I don't wear green because of my sick-ass pinching fetish.

Presenting the very first weekly WhatIDidn'tEatThisWeek Collage! Weeeeee... Sure seems like there was a lot more temptation, but I'll be honest, it's not always easy to sneak pictures of food when people offer it to me. I don't wanna be all "well, I really shouldn't eat that, but would you mind me taking a quick photo of you trying to sabotage my diet despite seeing me here eating a plate of lettuce? Oh, you do mind? Oh...okay." PLUS, there's the added weirdness of me thinking that they're assuming I'm taking the picture so I can go home and lick my camera in a weird, yet sexy, way while fantasizing about some orgy of fried foods and frosting. Food porn, indeed. I'll shut up now, so here's this:

Before you ask, that is a big-ass burrito, a pizza, some huge ass nachos, a giant bag of popcorn, cheetos puffs, and yes, that's a BUCKET of french fries. Del Taco considers that to be a 'large', FYI. For the record...all that stuff...didn't eat it. Hooray!

In other news, we really sucked at trivia last night. A whole category was about North Korea...eff that noise. I'm thinking about quitting the trivia team because...

A) I know like 1 answer a week, and it makes me feel dumb.

B) tired of the same ol' drunks.

C) too many snacks!

I dunno, maybe I just need a little break.

I read my blog from like a year ago today and I was talking about green fruits to bring for the St. Patrick's Day Potluck at work. Then tonite I went to buy green fruits. How unoriginal! I guess March is a real diet-y month for me. Hopefully I can stay strong and not have a bunch of cupcakes, as per the age-old Irish tradition of stuffing yourself with cake and then falling asleep in a diabetic heap on the couch after work. Beer ain't my thing, you know?

So have fun but celebrate responsibly, people! This message brought to you by me and the great folks over at Anheiser Busch. Because we care...

If the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists.

When we started the Biggest Loser thing at work, I printed up a Skip A Weigh-In pass and handed one to everyone. Out of the ten people doing the challenge, EIGHT people used theirs yesterday! Dude...that's a lot. The only other person who even bothered weighing in was my boss, who lost 0.2. I can't let this allow me to get cocky! Apparently something happened this weekend that caused 80% of our team to fuck up, but I know that eventually, the person fucking up could be me, so I just need to stay on my damn toes.

On the real, I could sure use the money! I want some of those Step-Up shoes. I know they're not the greatest looking things on earth, but my legs are weak as shit and I need all the help I can get. But they're over a hundred bucks, which isn't something I just have laying around, you know? Damn economy. I shoulda entered Jack's giveaway! But...I think those peeps still woulda won because their comments were all beautifully crafted and mine woulda just been all "SNEAKERS! I need em!" because I am too lazy for all that thinking and proper sentence construction. (As is clearly evidenced by that mother of all run-ons.)

Anywho, that dude showed up for training and he seems all quiet and booooring. I dunno why we can never get any dudes at work that aren't either boring, weird or flat-out batshit crazy. Too much estrogen in Call Centers...I needs me a new line of work.

He's kind of a plump lil fella. I was taking him on the Grand Tour of our super awesome workroom and he spotted the scale from like a mile away. He's all "uhh...what the hell's that about?" Only a true fattie can hunt out a scale like that! I was like "we're doing this weight loss challenge thing..." to which he audibly GROANED. Where's the professionalism?? I assured him that he was too late to join in anyway and he seemed extremely relieved. No skin off my back...I'm perfectly happy with everyone in my life getting exponentially fatter as long as I'm not one of them. I'm already down to like two pairs of pants and I'm too cool for MuuMuus. As the late great multiple Oscar-award winning actress Jennifer Lopez once said..."Enough!"

In other news, check out this dinosaur in a boat!

I am really getting my money's worth of fun out of these dang orange peels every day.

This one old lady at work brought in this crazy ass magazine from 1972 and I was IN LOVE with it. The ads were...amazing. Seriously. I dunno about you guys, but if I had to think of the words for a maxi pad advertisement, I would try to stay away from the word TANGY...oh man, so gross.

And of course, vintage vibrators...TONING THROAT MUSCLES! I died. I am now dead. For reals.
I am going to send my $1 to this company and see how this diet works out for me. It can't be any worse than those Slim Shots, you know?

This post is way long. I'm sorry. But I wanted to add that I tried to make Healthy Chicken Parmesan for dinner tonite and it came out way shitty, as per the usual. I got that whole wheat pasta and man, I dunno what I'm doing wrong, but it was like a solid mass of weird lump on the plate. I couldn't even eat it. The only redeeming factor of the meal was that anytime I make pasta, I get to use my PASTASAURUS RAWRRRR. Here we are looking quite menacing...
Alright, I'm outta here. Have a happy Tuesday. Trivia tonite! More snacks to avoid! Then a potluck at work tomorrow because what St. Patrick's Day would be complete without the pressures of eating a bunch of shit at work. Erin Go...Blah?

Mondays, by the case.

Hey dudes. I gotta train this new dude soon, so this will be a short one. I had a busy weekend, which is a real rarity for me. I'd like to say that I got some newfound rejuvination from a weekend spent almost entirely off the couch, but in all honesty, I missed my couch!

I got home at 4:30am after a fun but frustrating Saturday night only to be woken up at 9am by a still-slightly-drunk friend who wanted to know why her car wasn't in her driveway. Probably because it was in MY driveway. It was a weird night. Long story short, I would love to find a few pals who don't go out every weekend with the main objective being to remember NOTHING come Monday morning. Not trying to be a prude...it just sucks being the only sober one in a group of beligerant yet loveable drunks.

Either way, despite being stuck for four hungry hours in very close proximity to a Denny's, I did great food-wise. I drank about nine cups of water and bowled for 3 hours. My foot hurts, but I was proud of myself for the first time in a while, so that was nice. I'm not real big on self-assurance so it's a rare and welcomed feeling.

Anyway...weigh-in was this morning. I'm at 394, so that's 4.8 down since last week. Good times...good times. I'd like to see some 380s in the next week or two here, but I guess that's up to me, right? Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock.

What Would You Say...

So I found out I have to train some new guy at work next week and it kinda ruined my day. It shouldn't. I mean, I guess I should be happy that they think I'm capable enough at my job to train new people. BUT...I dunno, I guess it makes me feel a little taken advantage of. Training is something that normally only the supervisors do...and it's not like I'm getting any kind of financial gain for doing something that's clearly not in my job description.

PLUS, there's a freeze on raises due to "economic hardships." Look, I get that we are in a shitty recession, and I totally get that times are tough. But they eliminate all these positions and make everyone left work way harder and then they make it impossible to ask for a little extra scratch. And if you bitch about it, they give you the ol' "HEY AT LEAST WE STILL HAVE JOBS!" line.

I'm sure if you've been recently laid off from your job and you're out there looking for a new one every day and getting nothing but doors slammed in your face, you're probably reading that last paragraph and saying to yourself "this greedy bitch..." But I'm just saying, the economy is shit and it's not like anything costs any less than it ever did when times were "good." If you're working hard, I don't think it's out of line to expect your whole extra 40 cents an hour once per year. My raises are always only 40 cents! But still...right about now...I could sure use that forty cents.

Anyway, I'm off my soapbox...FOR NOW. I bought a jicama! Like, a whole one. I usually buy the little container of it at Whole Foods already all chopped up and ready for action. But it's like 5 bucks! And a whole one was like 53 cents, so I thought I could at least try. Even though it was scary and intimidating on the outside, I think I did it okay. I expected it to be a lot harder than it was. I think I actually didn't ruin something I made in my own kitchen for once!

That's a bad-ass plate, huh? Dina sent it to me from her store-of-all-the-weirdest-things-Tricia-will-love-but-could-never-afford. She's a true pal.

If you're wondering what that red stuff is, it's this:

I dunno what's in this shit, but it's like crack sprinkles for fruit and veggies for me. It's like all soury salty spicy yummy and it will kick a cucumber's ass, son. I put it on cukes, apples, corn on the cob and jicama so far. You should try some...they sell it at Wal-Mart, you cheap bastard. But beware for this is not A Candy...

See what I mean? Putting A before Candy makes it sound all foreign to me. Or like Dave Matthews lyrics...

Before I go, I wanted to show off YET ANOTHER awesome gift from Dina. BEHOLD: The coolest measuring cups ever made:

And yes, they do stack into each other. Each half a doll is a different measurement. So in love with them. I have been measuring the shit outta stuff since I got these. Cutest.Ever.Seriously. Although they do kinda make me want pringles...it's the face, i guess.

Normally I would say TGIF, but I'm NOT looking forward to this weekend, so I'll just say HDIF, which stands for Hey Dudes, It's Friday. Enjoy yours, at least!

Get outta my yard!

Hey, I finally figured out how to upload pictures from my phone to my computer...yay! When I say "figured out", I mean "actually tried, for once." I'm sort of like that about technology. I can tell I'm getting old and stubborn and I don't really wanna understand HOW stuff works anymore, I just want it to work. I wanna stay somewhat current, but not if it involves a lot of learning and reading and shit. I haven't the time! Plus, lazy. Real lazy...

Anywho...here's a few pics of boring things. As you can see, my phone offers the same boringness and awful picture quality as my camera, but now I have two ways to bring that boringness to you, gentle reader.

First off, PROOF that I gave away the Jelly Bellies! Here is Allan, my cubie neighbor, looking like Special Ed while holding the proof! This dude is a nut, for real. He's super Mormon so you give him some sugar and you will be entertained for the afternoon. It's pretty great. The best thing ever is when he goes to buy one of those 5-Hour Energy Shots at lunch because the whole rest of the day is pretty much like a 4-hour acid trip. Good times...

I took this picture as proof that I can't cook for SHIT. I tried to make TJs Baked Oatmeal to have for breakfast this week. It literally called for like 4 ingredients and I still totally fucked it up. By the time I pulled it out of the oven 45 minutes later, it was this rock hard chunk of burniness and well, let's just say this pan has been soaking in my sink of like three days and it's not even TRYING to work with me. I give up!

And finally for my new pal Clyde, the Tony-Soprano-baby-head-orange-peel. I always score my oranges into quarters then peel it because I like having perfect quarters of peel. I don't know why, it's just one of my weird things. So this is a quarter of it. For what it's worth, it was an awesome orange and it really turned my day around. In hindsight, I should have put something next to it for perspective, but...well, I didn't. Just imagine a baby's head next to it and identical in size...thanks.

That's it for now. I'm sure there'll be more because the phone's a lot easier to have on hand than the camera. It's like my workday is bursting off the pages of this blog, people!

Oh yeah, and I think I might do this new weekly blog segment called What I Didn't Eat This Week where I make a collage of all the pictures of crappy (read: yummy) food that people try to force on me on a daily basis. Today it was a giant flan. I don't really even like flan cause the texture is too weird. I don't like...overly creamy (?) things...it's a weird texture for me and my mouth rejects it. Like...refried beans, guacamole, flan, custards...things like that...it activates my gag reflex. Another one of my weird things. Someone start a list!

Finally Thursday...my new favorite day of the week. Have a good one, dudes!

Listen all y'all, it's a sabotaaaaage...

Trivia last night. We TANKED. It was sad. Some weeks, we're pretty dumb. And even worse, Angel brought like a million snacks. I can't stand to see some skinny person stuffing their face constantly while remaining skinny. I want to see them plump up in front of me like a Ball Park frank, but they just sit there inhaling Cheetos Puffs and staying tiny tiny tiny. When she texted me to make sure I was coming, she said "I've got a surprise for you!" Right away, I knew it was food. AND I WAS RIGHT. Probably one of my favorites too...

...except it was the Kid Mix! Which means it's even greater because there's no annoying black licorice ones to slow down the shoveling. I faked exuberance and hid the bag behind me on the bench. When I left, I stuck the bag in the glove compartment of my car, and today I plan on passing those suckers on to someone else. Preferably some other fattie in the Biggest Loser challenge so I can get the inside edge...

Man, the things a girl's gotta do just to avoid junk food these days.

In other, way shittier, news...I found out from my brother that my Aunt Alice had a stroke a couple nights ago. She's totally paralyzed on her left side and she can't remember her husband and daughter. That is a terrible awful thing and I feel horrible about it. My aunt and I aren't that close. I remember me and my niece Crystal used to have to spend summers there when we were kids and man, hell on earth. Still, she's a good lady and I hope she can recover from this.

From as far back as I can remember, Alice has always been severely overweight. But as far as I know, she's always been in pretty decent health. So while I was surprised and saddened to hear of her condition, it wasn't a total shock. But more than ever, it drives home the message of health. I don't want to have a heart attack. I don't want to have a stroke. I don't want to have to survive some life-altering medical condition to be able to make positive changes in my life. I just wanna do it on my own terms. On a daily basis, I see my body fighting back against the damages already done. I don't need another wake-up call, I'm awake, dammit. Now I just gotta get outta bed...

Sometimes I wish the Snooze button was never invented.

I miss the Sopranos.

We had our first weigh-in yesterday for the Biggest Loser Challenge at work. I lost 2.8, which is good, but not as great as I was expecting. While most people would look at 2.8 as a respectable loss, it was my first week and I have over 200 pounds to lose, so I have to remember to look at the whole picture as opposed to wanting 2-digit losses like the people on TV. That being said, it definitely wasn't a picture-perfect week, but I don't wanna make excuses. There are at least 3 times that come to mind when I should have eaten better and I know I could have at least done SOME exercise, even if I do still have limited mobility.

Plus, at least now I know the 400.0 last week wasn't a fluke and I am for sure under 400 for now. And hopefully forever. I think I have the right mindset right now. I just hope I can make it last. Don't wanna get cocky because then I fall off my game and I end up back at Day One for the millionth time.

Home life has been stressful due to some rearranging of Jeff's work schedule. I think we just get along better when we're not around each other very much, which is a sad state of affairs when you're talking about your boyfriend. Not really sure how all this is going to pan out, but maybe it won't be as terrible as I'm thinking. I'm not really sure what I'm doing with my life at this point. I think it's easy when you're on a fast track to a cholesterol-related death to lose sight of where you actually wanna go with your life. When things start to fall into place, then you start wondering if the years are worth saving if you're just going to be miserable. Change begets change? Or maybe I'm all talk...who knows.

Man, this a depressing ass post. Does it help if I say I'm eating an orange that's the size of a baby's head? Like a fat James Gandolfini-style baby. A fat, italian baby. Obviously from the Jersey Shore, due to the skin color.

Those Charmin Commercials with the Bears Creep Me Out...

Man, things have been freaking hectic. Every once in a while, the first of the month will fall on a Monday and in banking, that is a shitty place to be. It's like the Perfect Storm, except it's raining poop. ("Poop is falling from the sky. POOP!") Anywho, things are finally getting back to just regular crappiness so I thought I should post the results from my giveaway, yay! The super-cool-awesome-MS Paint-logo I tried to design to display the winner came out looking like a giant dog turd (which i will admit, was sort of the intention, but I meant a metaphorical dog turd, and it's not the same.) So instead I just pieced together this hastily drawn sign to say CONGRATULATIONS KELLY!

If you don't know Kelly, you should go check her out. She's funny and smart and like one of the best moms ever and she posts rockin' recipes and once she sent me steak sauce and I still use it like all...the...time. Well, not the same bottle, cause it's gone. But they sell it at Wal-Mart is what I'm saying, people. So go there and read her if you don't already and congratulate her for her fibery win and also for RUNNING A MILE AND A HALF+, so awesome! (/fangirl)

Also, I would like to award a small consolation prize to my favorite comment! If you know me, you know I am not normally a fan of poetry as I think it is weepy girl-type stuff and I hate when people search too hard for meaning in stuff and like write an 8-page essay about how some poem was about man's struggle against the environment or something and really it's just about some girl getting her period for the first time (are you there, God? It's me, Tricia.) ANYWAY, I still think creativity and hard work should be rewarded, so here's Tammy's poem in case you missed it!

This fiber-rich haul seriously rocks

It will sweep through any poopage blocks

Soon I'll be flushing and blushing with pride

If only this Shitztatic prize will be mine

So.much.awesome.in those four little lines. More poems should be about poop, poets take note!

Thanks everyone for entering and I'm sure it won't be the last so stay tuned. If you two groovy chicks would kindly send a mailing address to fight.fat.phobia@gmail.com, I will get on that...pronto. Thanks.

In other news, life is throwing me yet another curveball that I'd rather not talk about, but I am TRYING to not let it get to me. I passed up on pecan pancakes last nite, but mostly because we were running late instead of for the right reasons. I angrily ate an orange and then went to bed early.

I'm trying Fiber One Shredded Wheat today. I measured out a cup and poured it into a ziploc bag this morning and looked at it like it was some kinda cruel joke. But now an hour later, i'm still only halfway through the baggie. There's just something about dry, fibery, slightly sweetened, processed wheat squares that's just plain filling, I guess.

Alright, I got work to do. Adios, pals.

Committed Committee.

So I weighed in for our Biggest Loser Challenge at work today. The scale said 400.0 which I fear might be a fluke. I don't like super round numbers like that because they seem untrue and like the scale is just all WHOA I DONT KNOW JUST SAY 400 SO SHE'LL GET OFF! My scale at home goes to 405 and it kept registering an error so I was thinking I was still above that. Plus, now I'm wearing clothes and these heavy ass shoes and it still says 400. SO...I dunno. If it's right, that's kinda awesome because that means I lost a pretty good amount for last week even though I have no real idea what that amount is because of my home scale being basically useless. If it's wrong, then...well, that would suck. It says it goes up to 440, so...I dunno. I'm just gonna say it's right and be optimistic.

In other news, I went to Jeff's neice's baby shower yesterday and it lasted SIX hours. Who in the hell thought this was a good idea? I was talking to his sister and she said something about their Baby Shower Committee Meetings and I'm all 'what in the world?' Are baby showers the new weddings or something? Six hours of playing weird baby games and having to stand up and give parenting advice and watching someone slowly unwrap what seemed to be about 500 onesies pretty much had me praying for death.

Who am I to give parenting advice? I don't even have kids. I advised them not to encourage the baby to cuss, because even though it's cute and hilarious, it will inevitably say FUCK really loud at a funeral awaiting giant laughs. A few people chuckled but then I got told I wasn't taking it "seriously" probably because I wasn't. It's a baby shower, not a wake. I see now why I have little to no contact with the outside world. Between the Greatful Dead tshirt and ripped jeans and total inexperience on all things baby and baby-like, I'm sure I did not successfully blend in. The only solution: Stop knowing pregnant people.

I pulled a winner for the giveaway, but I tried (unsuccessfully) to make a cool visual to display the name. I FAILED. I have failed thee, oh world of bloggers. I'll try again tonight after work and if it sucks again, I'll just post it in a regular ol' boring way. Nothing ever comes out as good as it is in my head. Inside my mind lies a glorious land of successful craft projects. I want to go to there.

Happy Monday.