Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

You see this apple?
Let it be known that when I tossed this apple into my purse this morning at appx. 7:50am, it was green with several hints of red. I got in my car and threw my purse into the passenger seat, as is the usual routine. At 1:07 pm, I reached into my purse to retrieve the apple on my way to lunch. Alas, it was not there. Where the hell could this damn apple be? Forty minutes later, it dawns on me that maybe it rolled out of my purse on the way to work. Genius! I walk outside to get my apple. I peek through the window and see this fine apple sitting in the passenger seat all alone. I unlock the door and reach in to grab it. It's cooked. Baked by the Las Vegas sun. Tragedy. There will be no apple for me this day.

Dude, that sucks. It's like days away from October and I can cook a fucking apple in my car. This injustice won't stand.

Moving on to bigger and better things: Ladies and gentlemen, we have ourselves a winner!

This is a step-by-step process to be explained in pictures and a wall of text:
First off, I notice no one bothered to tell me that my comments aren't numbered. I thought I could just use that Random Integer thing and pick a number and go to that number and declare a winner, but...no numbers. So I had to get real crafty and print out all the comments and cut them out and fold them ghetto drawing style.

As you can see, there were a lot of entries....far too many for my planned receptacle:

We found a bigger bucket to dump them into and I let the lovely Lupe do the dirty work:

(Shake shake shake...)
A winner is drawn!
Erin from the xxl-files: tales of a fat girl in a strange, strange world. (She also wins world's longest title.) Congrats Erin! Kindly email an address over to me at fight.fat.phobia@gmail.com and your winnings shall be making their way to you shortly!

Look...here are all the losing comments...kinda makes me sad.
But chin up, friends! You all get this lovely Participation Ribbon just for playing! (Well, not really...I only bought one. But just pretend this one's for you?) You may remember the Participation Ribbon from such traumatic fat childhood experiences as Field Day, Relay Races and the Presidential Fitness Exam.
Well, thanks for playing, guys. I hope you bums will still bother coming around even when I'm not giving away free stuff. This was fun and I'm sure I'll do it again in the not-so-distant future, so don't be a stranger. :)

Snoozy.

It's Saturday. BuyCostumes.com is doing this thing where they have 5 costumes each day for under 5 bucks so I stayed up until 6am to see what the deal is today because they're always sold out by the time I get to work during the week. Then I find out they only do it on weekdays. Wonk wonk. Not like those pre-assembled costumes ever fit me or anything, but I still like getting a good deal on things. So much so that I will stay up until 6am on a Saturday just to get my fat paws on a steal. It's called dedication to your craft, people.

My department decided to be zombies this year as a group for Halloween. That's kind of a bummer since I was already a zombie LAST year for Halloween. Being a SUPER plus sized gal, you pretty much have like 3 options. Clown, witch or zombie. Boooring. I originally wanted to get a Biggest Loser tshirt and be a Biggest Loser "BEFORE" contestant, but everyone kept giving me the self-esteem lecture, so I had to scrap it. So I guess I got no choice but to rejoin the forces of the dead this year. I need a creative way to die...any ideas? First one to say heart attack gets a punch in the face!

Hey, since we're already talking about Halloween and all, I may as well show you the pictures of my cubicle. They didn't come out that great. I mean, it's way more spookier in person, is what I'm saying.

First I found these cool granite thingies at the dollar store. Here they are just chillin on my desk with a bunch of cups and my fan:

Here's the rest of it. You can't really see the cemetary gate thingies on the top, but those kick ass, plus they kinda make my cubicle walls higher which is good because it makes it harder for people to spy on me while I update Blogger all day. I even typed in a personalized message for you!
Yeah, that's it. I wish I could do more, but I still have to work in the stupid thing so it's hard to really let the creative juices flow in such limited space. One day I'll have a job with a real office that belongs to only me and I will decorate the shit out of it because professionalism is overrated.

Here is an example of why I should have a giveaway every day:

I don't mind having to buy your love and affection, but at least be more subtle! Say, if you haven't entered yet, you still have 2 more dayssss.

I'm prolly gonna spend the rest of today in bed, so I hope you have a great day doing whatever it is that normal people do on the weekends. Good golf, good tennis, or whatever makes you happy. Marrrvin Zindler, Eyewitness News. (shout out to my Houston peeps!)

Falling for you.

I like making lists. Something about numbering or bullet points just makes me happy. So I wanna start doing a Friday Top 5. Maybe not every Friday, but...for now at least.



I was talking to my brother the other day and out of nowhere he asks "So have you had any good falls lately?" Maybe you don't know this about me, but I fall down a lot. Like...a lot. I tend to blame it on my fatness cause I can't see my feet when I walk really, or because fat lends it's way to gravity or something. Maybe I'm just clumsy...not sure really. Alls I know is that I fall down a great deal and it has led to a lifetime of jokes from my family.



My bro says that my problem is that I don't know "how" to fall. The way that most people catch themselves, or can jog their way out of a fall...yeah, I cant, and never do. Falling is like a grand event in my life and it always leaves me all beat up and embarrassed. I guess the irony of the situation is that if I see anyone else fall, I will fucking laugh about that shit for days and days, but clearly, I don't see the comedy in my own epic flailings.



Without further ado, I present to you my Top 5 Falls:



1. The Threesome: The movie Threesome came out when I was 16 years old. Being right in the prime of my hormonal teenage lets-talk-about-sex-babeee stage, I was all over it. I had planned for like weeks to go see it for my birthday with my sister-in-law. My mom, being a mom, was not too keen on the idea of me seeing a movie called Threesome, and basically was like "ehhh...no." But because I was turning 16 and I was LIKE SO TOTALLY AN ADULT LIKE OMG, I was like "eff that, we're goin." So I ditched school and off we went. Of course like any other time in my life that I try to do some sneaky shady shit, I have to do something stupid in order to get caught. This time...I fell. In my defense, movie theatres are dark and the floors are always slippery, so it's not that CRAZY that I could slip and fall. But the movie had just ended and I was trying to high-tail it outta there and I ended up doing like this crazy split turn move that ended me with me on that dirty buttery floor crying in pain. My SIL didn't see me fall and was already outside the theater waiting for me before she finally came back in to see me in a pathetic heap on the ground. I twisted my ankle something awful and thought for sure it was broken! So, like a wimp, I called my mom. Long story short: Worst.Birthday.Ever. Also, the movie sucked. Also I was grounded for a while. Also, screw you Stephen Baldwin. I'll never forgive you.



#2: The Screwdriver: This one's short and dirty. We were walking downtown to get to the Bayou City Art Festival one year. I was trying to run across this one street so I wouldn't get plowed down by a street cleaner truck that was inching its way towards the intersection. I trip over a pothole and fall in such a way that I was facing one direction when I started falling and through some whirlwind falling technique, I end up spinning like one and a half full turns before I hit the ground. Truck is still headed for my now immobile lump of a body in the middle of the steet. My brother comes over and is like "What the hell are you doing?? Unscrew yourself and let's go!" Thereby dubbed the Screwdriver...it forever haunts me.



#3: The 'That's What You Get': Being that I was the youngest and my brother was six years older than me, we had a typical "bully/annoying little sister" relationship. I hardly ever got the upper hand when it came to that little arrangement, but ONCE, one glorious day, I thought I did. My brother broke his bike trying to do a wheelie while being fat. So he was sitting on the curb with his friend while I was riding my bike back and forth in front of him saying obnoxious things like "man, it feels so good to have a bike!" and "wow, I sure do love HAVING A BIKE!" Fast forward about 40 seconds when my brother gets tired of my bullshit and chucks a big ass rock at my back tire as I ride by. In true Murphy's Law fashion, the rock gets stuck in the spoke and the tire stops dead in its track and the whole bike falls over to the side with my big ass still on it. I was riding around with no shoes on like the country bumpkin I was so the pedal squished my chubber toes underneath it. I broke 3 toes! I was like too fat to navigate with crutches so I had to use my dead granny's old Walker to get around the house for like the next 6 weeks. I refused to leave the house...it was all very dramatic. And the worst part was that I couldn't even tattle because as soon as I fell over, my brother ran over and was like IF YOU TELL MOM I'M GONNA KILL YOU WHEN YOU GO TO SLEEP! I still believe that threat to be very real.

#4: My Name is Mud: Growing up in Houston, bad weather is just a part of life. Flooding, hurricanes, tornadoes, humidity...if it sucks, we get it. So like, a little flash flood, it ain't no thang, really. One day after a short flash flood, I was bored and hungry and tired of being in my house. I asked my dad if he'd take me to get some lunch and he's all "blah blah I ain't takin' muh truck out in these waters blah blah whatever." That's verbatim, by the way. So I was like "well, I'm gonna walk down to the taqueria on the corner, I'm hungry." He just shook his head and said "Go on, can't tell you nothin', do what you want!" So I was like "uhhh....ok." and left. So I get there and have a couple tacos and start to head back and I see that they have the sidewalk taped off because they're doing construction in our neighbor's yard. Being the badass rebel that I am, I scoff and step over the tape and continue on my way. Then WHOOMP (there it is) right into a freaking hole I go. I didn't know they had torn up the sidewalk during the construction and I couldn't see because of the standing floodwater. I'm trying to climb my way outta this damn mud pit and it feels like the harder I fight, the farther I go into the hole. It didn't help that I was wearing some cheap ass Old Navy plastic flipflops that were both firmly planted into the mud by now. I finally got out, but man, my legs were all covered in mud and my shoes were lost in the muddy abyss never to be seen again. Because I didn't wanna listen to my dad's I-told-you-so's, I walked over to the hose in front of our house and hosed off my sad mud-covered legs. Once I thought I was free of the evidence, I went in the house and there was my dad standing at the window fucking cracking up having watched the whole thing transpire. Being the gossipping old lady that he is, I basically had to hear everyone I know tell me my dad had told them all about my fall over the next few days. Argh.

#5: Never Can Say Goodbye: When I as nine years old, my uncle Barney died. My mom's family is from this little hick town in Texas called Belton. Because my uncle was a single dude still, they decided to bury him in the family plot in Belton. I had been to funerals before, for my gramma and my brother-in-law, but I had never been to a country ass funeral like this before. My other uncles had to dig the freaking hole! It was old-timey, to say the least. So maybe it's a Baptist thing, but whenever someone dies, they have that big spray of flowers that they put on top of the casket and after the services, people walk by and take a flower to keep or press or whatever. So being a young annoying kid, I was wayyy in the back of the flower-getting line. By the time I got up there, all that was left were a few weak ass carnations. So once everyone stopped paying attention, I decided to go around to the other side of the casket and get one of the remaining roses that were out of reach. Because my uncles are not professional gravediggers, the hole was all uneven and covered with like a green sheet. Stupid me, took one step too many and there goes my short little fat left leg right into the grave. Trying to teeter the delicate balance of not wanting to plunge all of 6 feet into the hole of uncertain death but also not wanting to call out for help and be made fun of for life, I did what any self-respecting brat would do. I hunkered down and waited for someone to come look for me. Unfornately that someone was my brother who then muttered the now infamous quote "Mom, Tricia's stuck in the gravehole." Enter chaos. I was pulled from impending doom, but now some two decades later, no funeral passes without at least a few comments of "Hey, try not to fall in this time." I have no doubt that when I die, my brother will stand over my coffin and lean over slightly to whisper over my corpse "it's okay to fall in this time, Trishy." Sentimental!

There you have it. This was long, I know, and if you made it this far, you are to be commended. Hopefully you had a few laughs and learned a little something along the way, mostly that my brother is a jerk.

If you have any funny fall stories, consider my comment section your sanctuary.

Trickery...

First of all, thanks for the overwhelming response to my giveaway. It was really fun logging in to see all those comments today, especially from some n00bs I never even heard of before. DELURKERS! I had a lot of comments that were like "You should pick me because..." Hmm, seems I may have not properly explained the rules of the game. When I said I would pick a winner, I meant like...out of a hat...or some other hat-like receptacle. I'm not actually choosing a winner based on comment stylings, although, that might be something to think about regarding future giveaways.

Also, I was a little disappointed to see no sexy dancing. Apparently I read this crowd wrong!

So I'm sorry if it was your birthday or you were having a bad day or you just seem really deserving, but it's all in the hands of that cruel mistress, Lady Luck. :( But you still might win, so keep hope alive! I guess I'll do the drawing like...Monday. That's not too far away but there's still time to enter if you haven't already and you secretly want to. Just do it, man!

Speaking of not too far away, I decorated my cubicle all HALLOWEEN-ISH today. It's pretty decked out, as far as cubicles go. I forgot my stinkin' camera but I'll get some pics tomorrow to show you guys so you can pretend to care. I am a child!

I put a big bowl of candy at the very corner of my desk, which is something I do for EVERY holiday, and still EVERY holiday, I have to listen to all the ladies at work bitch about how dare I bring candy into the office. Yet, at the end of the day, half the bowl was gone! I don't care that they eat it, I mean, that's why I put the shit there, but don't bitch me out for a half hour about how you don't eat candy then proceed to eat the damn candy. Just shut up and eat it.

I realize that, like me, you're on a diet every other day, but this is a test of will and if you can't resist free candy, then don't point that finger at me. YOU ARE THE MASTER OF YOUR OWN DESTINY...when it comes to holiday treats.

That being said, I ate 2 Kit Kats and a Twix and I wish I never brought that stupid ass candy to work. As soon as the candy's gone, I'm gonna fill that bucket with Slim Jims and apples and nobody better not say a goddamn word to me about it...I will burn that building down.

Stupid holidays.

Give it away Give it away Give it away now...

Good morning, sunshine(s).

As you can no doubt tell from my happiness this early in the morning, clearly I future-dated this post at some ungodly hour last night. I am not a morning person, never will be. But I wanted to post this early because I want lots and lots of people to see it, and enter, and win. Well, I only want one of you to win. Well...okay, I WANT all of you to win, but only one of you CAN win, so...yeah. This confusing paragraph leads me to the following announcement: I AM HAVING MY VERY FIRST FIGHT FAT PHOBIA GIVEAWAY!! Shout it from the rooftops, people.

Here's a picture of the loot!

I made that collage in Picasa. Pretty fancy for me, eh? Here's a list of the stuff that's in it:

The Biggest Loser Glass Digital Kitchen Scale - You want this.
Thermos FUNtainer 10 oz Food Jar - Yeah, this has Bakugan on the front, and like, I dunno what the hell that is, but apparently it's something the kids are into. Alls I know is that this thing is supposed to keep hot stuff hot for 5 hours or cold stuff cold for 7 hours, and that's a lot.
5 Pc Measuring Cup Set AND 5 pc Measuring Spoon Set - In festive fall colors, you will notice.
Lock & Lock 6pc Storage Set - These rule, and they're stainproof, so they're good for tomato-y stuffs.
Egg Dude Precision Measuring Cup - Perfect for those 2 tbsp servings you keep cheating on.
Bell Pedometer - Speed, calorie, distance, and step :)
Fit & Fresh Healthy Food Snacker - holds a snack, a dipping sauce, and an ice ring!
Emerald 100 Calorie Pack Almonds & Walnuts - self explanitory.
Ocean Spray 100 Cal Pack Craisins - 6 pouches!
Two packs of Trident Layers Gum - Strawberry Citrus and Green Apple Pineapple.

So there ya go. It's a lot of stuff, but it's all pretty diet friendly and I promise not to send a surprise tin of brownies or something to try to trick you into staying fat like meeee. The holidays are coming up FAST and I figure we need all the help we can get this time of year, so this BOX 'O STUFF is designed to help you keep your laser sharp focus on that weight loss goal.

It's also to celebrate my 150 Followers. That's a pretty big number for this silly ol' blog and I really appreciate you guys reading about my day to day nonadventures and listening to me whine a lot. And commenting, boy do I love comments! So thanks <3

Here's how to enter for your chance to win!

1. Leave me a comment telling me how much you love me, or how your day's going, or what your favorite song is, or whatever you want. Just like...leave a comment. 5 word minimum!
2. Post a link to this post telling others about the AWESOME FAT FIGHT PHOBIA GIVEAWAY and comment me telling me you did it.
3. Record yourself doing a sexy dance for me. (this counts as five entries!)

That's it! So go ahead and enter because I'm gonna be bummed if I did all this work and I get like 4 entries and 3 of them are mine. I will quit blogging forever...IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?? Yeah, you don't want that on your soul, dudes. Good luck, guys!

P.S. Before you ask: Yes, UK and Canadian residents can enter and possibly even win, and Yes, I already told Dina she can't win. There. Now go!

We wore an onion in our belt, which was the style at the time...

Yesterday I spent the day babysitting Jeff's neices and nephews since their parents needed an "alone" day which I later found out meant "a day to get really drunk." Whatevs, it's not like I had anything better to do so I thought...okay. In theory, it sounded like a good idea. I thought I could go over there and run around with five kids and get all tired out and come home for a good nite's sleep. But...I guess the kids had ideas of their own.

I had visions of long games of hide n seek and possibly a group craft project. Yeah, not so much. These kids are freaking tech-savvy and they don't need me or any other adult ruining their saturday with my handicraft ideas. Even the 6-year-old was on his damn Nintendo DS all day long. I was less like a babysitter, more like a recorded voice saying "did you already have a soda? Okay then you can't have another soda. DRINK SOME WATER!"

The oldest girl is on her laptop on FaceBook all day...the two young ones are eyes glued to the Disney Channel...and the boys were playing Call of Duty for what seemed like days. Man, what a boring game to watch. Too many dimensions for me. Give me a fat italian plumber jumping on mushrooms any day instead of this crap.

I came to a sad realization yesterday: I'm old. I'm just not cool enough anymore! I used to be the cool aunt! The one who was up on pop music and had the newest video game system and could kick ass at Skee-Ball. Now I'm just the lame old aunt with my stories about how "in my day we played a MAGICAL video game called Galaga and it was from OUTER SPAAACE" yeah yeah, meanwhile they're counting down the days until they can put their crazy old unmarried aunt into the home. I didn't even know who Lady Gaga was until like 3 days ago. I just want Pearl Jam and flannel back. Flannel was a good look for fat people...skinny jeans, not so much.

Oh well, I guess I couldn't expect to stay current forever. If anyone needs me, I'll be in my room stuck in 1996, thanks.

You guys are talking about Shenanigans, right?

Hey guys. How's it goin'?

Things here are going JUST OKAY...which is better than bad, but not quite the AWESOME that I strive for. The weather's starting to cool off a tiny bit finally and it's giving me HALLOWEEN FEVER! I've been obsessed with Halloween since I spotted candy pumpkins at Walgreens about a week ago, then proceeded to eat a bag. Sigh. I'm trying to get more into the spirit of Halloween this year by doing things like decorating and sending my neices and nephews little gifts so I don't feel the need to overcompensate in the candy aisle. HALLOWEEN DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ABOUT CANDY! Just keep saying that, right?

Diet-y things are lackluster. I don't know where my motivation has gone. It seems like I wake up with a new resolve each morning but it rarely lasts all the way to dinnertime. I need some stick-to-it-ness. I've lost about .4 in the past 3 weeks, and that ain't gonna cut it. Twice this week I packed a lunch, then still went out with the girls for a fast food lunch. Stupid and wasteful. And I'm supposed to be saving money for Cleveland! Bad.

I watched Biggest Loser and was SUPER STOKED to find a girl on there that's actually heavier than me. I never thought I'd see the day. We're the same height and age too. It'll be interesting to see how she holds up under the extreme stress since she already almost quit on like day one. I think she'll turn it around and kick some ass though. I'm really rooting for her for my own selfish reasons so I hope she stops all that crying and kicks the shit outta that ranch. (maybe I should be saying that to myself...except...I don't have a ranch. I don't even like ranch dressing.)

Oh hey, we won at trivia finally! YAY! First place! The British dude was back in town, obviously. Plus there was a Foo Fighters question...be still my beating heart! We got a $100 bar tab, but I wasn't even drinking so...wonk wonk. Oh well, at least everyone was in a good mood and no tantrums were had. Here's the gang, all ugly of us:

The Office starts tonight! Man, I do love the fall. And Community, which I'm excited about even though it has Chevy Chase and he's like a sitcom killer. Sure hope it doesn't suck. And I hope The Office gets better cause last season was kinda wonky. I like saying wonk lately, can you tell?

I noticed yesterday that my fatness is effecting my shopping. On one hand, it could help me save money. On the other hand, it's like my only hobby. I'm nothing with my clearance bargain-hunting! Gotta get on this shit. If diabetes and a heart condition can't motivate me, then surely a 75% off clearance sale has to. Help me, Target, you're my only hope.

This entry is all over the place, so I'm gonna put it out of it's misery. Hope you're all doing well and enjoying life.

Oh yeah, and I'm still hunting and gathering for my Grand Give-away. I should have it all together by this weekend. I know, I know...tease tease tease. Stay tuned...

Ruiner.

You ever feel yourself losing control of your emotions over something stupid and it gets to that point where you're not really sure why you're mad but it's too late to just back out of it at that point? It's like I'm looking at myself from outside my body and saying "man, this girl is a bitch. Oh shit, that's me." I need a reset button on the back of my neck that I can just push and snap out of my craziness. Sometimes I think I just piss myself off so I have a reason to keep believing I'm not worth it.

So...just stop it, Tricia. fuck.

I am real antsy. Like, annoyingly so. Everything I owned is either torn to shreds or all doodled on because I have this nervous energy I can't harness into doing good things like...say, cleaning my house or painting or something so I just write scribbles and cubes and annoy people with my nervousness. Sometimes it gets real bad and I rip out hair. Mostly from my eyebrows. I try not to let it get too bad cause I don't need to add to my weird appearance by sporting eyebrow bald spots. I'll just say that lately they are looking shitty and I dunno why I'm so fucking stressed. I have this internal racing clock that's not even leading me towards anything, so I don't get it.

Breakfast and lunch are all packed for tomorrow and if I can stay within my calories all week, I think I'll go get my eyebrows waxed because at least when they're groomed well, I tend to fuck with them less. So annoying. Not that I think I should get a prize each week for staying on plan, but...at least it's not a cookie cake. Even though I'd prefer that.

Bleh...hey Monday.

First off, let's kill all the fat people...

Bipartisanship. It's a word that gets tossed around a lot lately. A buzz word, if you will. It basically refers to when members of two parties can find some common ground and actually agree on something. It's pretty hard to achieve these days. So imagine my surprise when I found a common bond with a member of the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen. My mortal arch nemesis Fat Daddy actually said something that wasn't all full of male chauvanistic vigor. Shocking, I know. :P

The message was simple: Fat...it ain't all bad. Then the heavens opened and I realized that all these extra pounds aren't always such a curse and maybe Freddy Mercury was right (of course he was!) and Fat Bottom Girls really DO make the rockin' world go round!

Look, we all wanna be healthy and skinny, but don't deny that you and your fat had some good times together. Even the most miserable fattie has had at least a few moments in their life where they were Pumped to be Clump. Admit it!

In honor of fatties everywhere, I present to you my Top 5 reasons why Fat Rules:

#1. People don't ask you to help them move. - Especially if they live on anything other than a ground floor, because people who know me know I can barely do stairs just carrying my own fat ass, let alone like a lamp or their Faberge Egg Collection (Sorry, Carlos). Seriously, no one wants me standing around getting in the way of all those skinny jerks working like dogs. Fine by me, too. I barely even helped myself move. I conveniently scheduled most of if during my working hours, and I still have boxes of crap that I haven't even looked at twice from my move like 4 months ago. Some may call it lazy, but I call it smart...and lazy.

#2. Automatic Shotgun. - Think about it. Your friend's driving you and three other friends somewhere. Fattest gets the front seat. This is just like, the law. So sit there and enjoy your own air conditioning vent while the others share whatever air can sneak past your broad shoulders. You need that air...you're fat.

#3: Fat people are more huggable. - Go on, you know you want to. Who doesn't want a squishy shoulder to cry on?

#4: You get to eat what you want. - This is a given. Can't choose between the kettle korn or the funnel cake? Just get both. If you're gonna be fat, at least be fat for a reason. A deep-fried-powdered-sugared-caramel-drizzled reason.

#5: Girls trust you around their men. - Oh god, so dumb. Don't they know how horny fat girls are? Very cocky of these skinny friends to assume their dude would never be into you just because you're fat. Not that I would EVER, because I am a good friend, and also, ew sex. BUT...I'm sure it has happened before. I believe it was the once-fat Monique who said every man wants to be with a real fattie at least once. And once you go fat, you never go back. Or so I hear...

So there you have it. I'm sure there are lots of great things about being post-fat...(not that I'd know...) but don't forget to enjoy your fat perks while you still can! Stop by Fat Daddy's blog and take a gander at his top 5 reasons too. And hey, while you're at it, why not come up with your OWN top 5? Post it on your blog and share your fat acceptance with the world!

Now let's get out there and get us some healthcare!

Took it too far? Oh, okay. My bad.

Iron my shirt, bitch.

ATTENTION!

I would like to formally announce that the League of Extraordinarily Fat Gentlemen is a living example of pure sexist bullshit and I won't stand for it!

I think, eat, talk, swear, and pee like a man, so I would like to know where is my goddamn invite.
SEXISM!

P.S. I finally hit 150 Followers, yay! In honor of that, I'm doing a giveaway soon. A bunch of random shit that you will LOVE, so check back in a few days once I get it all ready to go. I'll announce it after the next Vag-tastic Vixen Coalition Meeting. NO BOYS ALLOWED.

Oh hai.

Hey. I'm not dead or anything, I've just had writer's block and a bad attitude lately. I don't really like blogging when I'm all down on myself and pissed at the world. I end up reading it later and cringing at how I'm coming across as a whiny puss. I also haven't been reading or commenting much...sorry about that.

Not much has been up with me aside from trying to eat myself into an early grave. Earli(er) at least. And spending too much money on shit I don't need then panicking about being broke. Classic Tricia.

It's okay though. I'm slowly crawling out of my funk. Buying groceries tomorrow then putting away the debit cards in a tall tall place I can't reach...like the moon. Gonna try Phase 4,512 of the diet and see how that works. Fall is kinda in the air so it's helping my mood a little. I even went out to see a band play last night and I have the $80 hangover to prove it. Bleh.

So...my sister still won't talk to me. My sadness is fading into bitterness and I'm starting to wonder if she's worth all the sleepless hours spent wondering how it's so easy for some people to push others out of their lives. It's her choice. I've done my part and she knows where to find me if she decides to get over her fucking 43-year-old tantrum. My official new fear in life is turning out like either one of my sisters. Raw chicken and ghosts now take 2nd and 3rd place, respectively.

As you can no doubt see, the writer's block is still very alive and present. I'll try hard not to disappear for a week at a time from now on though. Barring anymore cancer announcements, I should be able to oblige. How's shit in your neck of the woods? Tell me everything!