Thursday, July 30, 2009
Here's something that sucks: I pulled a muscle in my leg. How, you might ask? Strength training? Jogging? Phooning?? Nope...just a'walkin'. In Sam's Club. I saw my future and it involves a lot of swearing and a motorized cart. I CAN NOT BECOME THE FAT LADY IN THE CART. No offense to fat ladies in carts, I think you're hardcore and all...I just don't wanna be you.
It fuckin' sucked, man. First off, I got a shopping cart, then I HAD to pee, so I went to do that. When I came out of the bathroom, some asshole had already taken my cart. ASSHOLES! Getting a new cart would have involved going back outside and flashing the stupid membership card and all that shit again, so I was like "eff it...I'm not getting that much stuff." So I'm walking along carrying a box of tuna pouches, a box of turkey burgers, and a pack of Sandwich Thins. I zero in on watermelons and start walking then it's like FUCK. It basically felt like a charlie horse...but like a big nasty one with a bad attitude. :(
I never had a charlie horse while I was standing up before so I'm all wtf? So I tried to walk it off, but that wasn't working at all. I just couldn't get the muscle to relax and it was hurting like a real son of a bitch with each step I took. And it stayed stuck like that for DAYS and DAYS. It's finally starting to loosen up now like a week later.
Needless to say, that shit scares me. I mean, when you pull a muscle working out or something, that's one thing. But when you pull a muscle just waddling your fat ass around a store, something is wrong, son. I see that I'm teetering on a dangerous edge here where my very mobility is at risk, and it's fucking with my head.
I went though a very weird depression where everything felt pretty hopeless. My family is all fucked up and my friends were mad at me and I was just being a miserable bitch because I was scared and insecure. I really do need to find a therapist...it's all getting a little ridiculous. I've called about five and I keep getting voicemails and no callbacks. What kinda way is this to do business? Maybe they're sitting there judging the patheticness of my voicemail messages and deciding they don't wanna get involved. Maybe I should make them more vague instead of yelling CRY FOR HELP CRY FOR HELP CRY FOR HELP into the reciever. And then leaving my phone number, of course...I'm not some crazy person, dudes. I KNOW HOW THE WORLD WORKS! ...
Anyway, as far as dieting goes, I've been doing pretty good. My scale worked, though just barely. 404.8. It took about 40 tries to get it to read my weight, so I dunno how accurate it is. It could have been the scale's way of just trying to get me to stop torturing it. Either way...I will take it.
I'm still having a problem with POINTS disbursement. Too many left at night which is like a free pass to eat a bunch of bullshit right before bed. I think I need to see a nutritionist maybe. Who has time for all these fucking doctors with their stupid schedules?
So...next week, I'm supposed to learn how to swim. Pathetic, I know. But remember, I didn't learn to drive until I was 28 so I'm always a decade or so late on shit. Maybe next year, I'll try that "reading" thing I hear so much about. I wanna learn to swim because every doctor I go to is all "You know...you're pretty fat...maybe you should try swimming so you don't crush your knees trying to walk around like a regular person." And I mean, they're doctors, so they know their shit. But I doubt their interpretation of swimming is the same as mine, which is like, floating around holding on to a Noodle for dear life until you start to get pruney or the sun goes down. They prolly want me to like...move around and shit. So I'm gonna try to learn how to move around in the water without drowning and hopefully get over my OBSESSION about not getting water in my nose. (GOD I HATE IT!)
So that's life. Times are sucky, but they're getting better. I just wish it would hurry up and be Fall.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
It was a real frustrating day and I sat in my hot ass car like having a fucking breakdown after I heard that stupid message. It may as well have said "You doesn't wanna talk to you, stop calling!" Fuck Cricket. So I sat there for like a minute crying and becoming this gross mix of sweat and makeup and tears and snot, and I was like "this is stupid." So I just came in and buried my head into the couch pillow for like an hour and devised this shitty letter to her in my head, then talked myself out of it.
It's not like I'm okay with her hating me over some shit that really has nothing to do with me...it's just that I'm too frustrated to even care right now.
Oh, and I saw this right in front of my door today when I got home:
Nice place for a used condom, whoever you are. You can get a hotel room in this town for like nine dollars a night...you really need to fuck in the stairwell? I hope your next condom breaks and you get herpes. There, I said it.
Oh well, at least I stayed on plan today even though all the junk. And I found my old tracker journal thingy to boot:
Still way too many points to have left at like 7pm. It's a work in progress.
I feel super bitchy. Glad today's over.
We went to trivia but we got 4th again and the nerdy Dave Grohl guy wasn't even though so it was pretty sucky.
So it's day 3 of dieting. I was super excited about finally finding the 75% Reduced Fat Cabot Cheddar last night that Biz recommended. It's awesome! I made up an Egg TrishMuffin this morning with the cheese all scrambied into my egg whites and it was nom nom noms. I'm not really a breakfast person but I'm trying to get more calories in during the day so I can stop eating so much at night. We'll see how it goes.
I'm back into the "can't-weigh-in-too-fat" range so my scale won't weigh me again. I was talking to Dina about it and she told me to like wrap a string around my waist and mark it so I can measure it again in a couple weeks and see if it got smaller, but man, that sounds so damn country to me. MA, WHERE'S MUH MEASURING TWINE?? Gah. I guess I'll do it though...fat beggars can't be fat choosers. I'll let you guys know how that works out.
Oh yeah, speaking of Dina, we're planning a Blogger meetup for sometime in late January 2009. Basically you fly to (DESTINATION TO BE DETERMINED) for a weekend of fat debauchery and then you go home. You have to get like...a place to stay and pay for your own shit. But...it's like six months away, so you should be able to save up some scratch by then and you can come out and meet all your favorite Blogger peeps! And me! I think it will be a blast. So...yeah. Lemme know if you think you'd be down for this sorta thing.
I'm so excited for the movie Funny People to come out. I keep watching all these shows about it and reading all this junk online about it. I hope I don't ruin it for myself cause July 31 is still a long time from now. C'mon c'mon c'mon! Seth Rogen is hot but I still miss his fatness.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
I think we're going to trivia tonite so I went to go get my daily call to Dad outta the way on my last break. That was a bad idea. He's like practically begging me to call my sister and get her to talk to him. That is, if she'll even take MY call. I told him I really don't wanna get involved in this shit but he was like pleading in a very pathetic way. Sincerity isn't exactly my dad's forte, so I can hardly ever say no to it. Then his voice cracked and I was like..."fine." What can I do? As much as I wanna stay far far away from this whole fucked up situation, I also don't have it in me to listen to an old man cry.
My sister is a real cut-throat type of person. Like...if you piss her off, she'll automatically think to say the worst thing she can possibly think to say about you no matter who's around. I can't even count the number of times I've heard her announce to a guy in public "OH YEAH, WELL THAT'S WHY YOU GOT A LITTLE DICK, YOU LITTLE DICK BASTARD." Like, come on, dude. Keep that shit indoors at least. Of course for me, it's always the same..."fat bitch."
Like, bitch is bad enough, why do we gotta add adjectives? But then again, maybe "bitch" isn't an insult to her since she's one of those people who will say some cliche bullshit like "Yeah, I'm a bitch, and proud of it!" or...her infamous bumper sticker of "That's MS BITCH to you!" Bleh. I hate that shit. Why would anyone WANT to be something that's universally hated? That trend was fucking lost on me.
But I digress...yeah, she can never have an argument with me without throwing my fatness into it. I mean, on one hand, I guess it's a good thing, cause it's all she's got.
But still, I mean, I don't bring up her obvious physical shortcomings and throw them on to the insults I hurl. I don't even hurl insults! I try to keep it civil and make actual points instead of just bringing up inconsequential shit like her chain-smoking, uber-controlling, crypt-keeper-looking, leathery skin-having, can't-keep-a-man-ing. NO. I could bring lots of shit up, but I don't. Cause I wanna talk about the issue at hand, not just have some hate-filled argument. Gah, she is fucking impossible and now I gotta spend all evening dealing with this shit and it SUCKS.
The fact of the matter is that, yes, my sister has had a shitty hard life. I've spent a fucking lifetime making excuses for her. I finally realize that having a rough life doesn't give you free reign to ruin the lives of everyone around you. She's just a miserable person and she only cares about herself. Sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade.
And even after all the bullshit, all the shitty things that she's done, I would STILL be there if she needed me. As would the rest of my family. And she knows that. And that's why she has no remorse. I don't get her...at all.
Plus, I'm pretty sure my other sister is back on junk and I can't even THINK about that shit right now or my head will officially explode. These are shitty times.
And all I want right now is to bury my head in a fucking gallon of ice cream and I can't even do that because Dina would be all over my ass. Thanks...(humph.)
Sunday, July 19, 2009
This is how red I get after my Bare Minerals melts away. My glasses kept fogging up because of the EXTREME heat comin' off my face. Shit is ridic. Dina cropped this picture for me because she said I looked nude, which WASN'T true. But I figure I don't need to subject you guys to my low hangies on the Lord's day. Maybe on a Thursday or something.
Meatloaf's in the oven for lunches all week. I pureed a bunch of veggies with tomato sauce to try to sneak 'em in. Hopefully it won't suck 'cause I didn't really plan for a backup meal and I DON'T wanna have to go back outside. Stupid freakin' outside.
I'm excited about having Jicama tomorrow. That's weird.
So I have a list for Sunday. Gotta do laundry and hopefully get the oil changed and I gotta go buy some healthy groceries. I was planning on going to Whole Foods to scoff at the prices and be stared at by yuppies. I'll prolly still do that so I can try to find some of that Amazing Grass shit everyone keeps talking about. Me and veggies aren't exactly pals, so I gotta try to get the good stuff in through sneaky and expensive ways.
You know, the first time I did Weight Watchers, I lost like 40 pounds in four months before I quit and gained back 80. But...I only did it online, and I didn't really know anything about it except that you get a number of points and you eat that much and that's it. I didn't know anything about the weekly 35 or the Healthy Guidelines or any of that shit. I wouldn't eat all day then have a whole medium thin-crust Pepperoni Pizza from Pizza Hut and call it a day. Best.Diet.Ever.
Then one day some buzzkill's all like "well what about your daily oil? and what about your fruits and veggies? and what about blah blah blah?" and I'm all "...but...what?" Too much information, dudez. Trying to ration out points for stuff I hate fucking sucked and the next thing I knew I was back to my old ways.
So then I spent a brick of time yesterday all like "Man, I should just go back to my old-school rebel Weight Watchers way...that shit worked!" But like, that's probably not healthy. And I think at this point in my life, I need to be less concerned with getting thin (ha!) and more concerned with getting healthy. Because my health is for shit. I'm diabetic, which I'm sure is no shock to anyone here, but more than that, I'm like DIABETIC 2 the EXXXTREME! I'm 31 and I take a shot and 2 pills a day JUST for diabetes. Then pills for cholesterol and my impending heart explosion AND...an aspirin a day. That's a lot of shit. And I HATE taking pills. But taking a cholesterol pill every day is easier than choking down oatmeal every morning because I hate that too. I hate a lot of shit.
I need to get over it. I've eaten pretty much every bad food in the world, so I guess it's time to move on. Time to eat the green junk. Ugh.
I'll start with giving up sugar. That's the plan this week. Nothing with sugar unless it's like...fruit. I can do that. I love fruit. And I wanna try to have smaller dinners. I am a points hoarder and I routinely come home from work with about 20-25 points in my back pocket. That's over a thousand calories in one meal. Too much.
Optimism. No birthdays or potlucks this week. OPTIMISM!
Friday, July 17, 2009
I try not to be too judgemental when someone kills themselves. On one hand, I do think it's a selfish thing to do. I know he dealt with depression issues for many years. I think most people, at some point in their life, have hit a low point and had fleeting thoughts of doing it. But I wonder what makes you snap? Like what thought could have been so horrible in that one moment that makes you leave your friends to go kill yourself in the middle of the evening?
As most of you know, I don't deal well with death. I internalize it too much, and it turns into my own personal tragedy even if I barely knew the person. I think about how it would feel if that had been my friend, my brother, my dad, etc. I remember the pain of losing my mom and my neice and it all floods back in this weird wave of emotion that I can't control even though I know it's a little silly to create this suffering. I don't know why I do it, but I'll obsess over it for days and days and then finally just move on.
Anyway, I haven't seen this guy in probably a good six years. When I lived at home, I was basically my brother's shadow anytime he'd let me be around. By default, all the people in his life became the people in my life. I remember this dude as like a really happy, helpful, funny guy. I can't imagine him doing this, but it's done, so that shows how much I really knew about him. I did have a weird dream about him last night though.
I went to bed in a bad mood because my sisters are essentially dividing my family into these two camps of YOU'RE WITH US or FUCK YOU STAY OUTTA MY LIFE. God forbid someone should have a different viewpoint than them on something. They're avoiding my calls and basically pretending I don't exist because I think what they're doing to my dad is fucked up and selfish.
I feel like I've spent my whole life playing the middle ground. I've always been more concerned with being likeable and neutral than with taking a stand for anything I actually believe in. But I can say at this moment: My sisters are being selfish cunts. And since they don't want to talk to me or even try to explain their side of the story, my opinion stands.
In the dream, my brother's friend was telling me to stop being a doormat. Stop letting everyone tell me what to think. Stop making jokes instead of saying how I feel. We were having this profound conversation about why I think my opinions aren't important and he was standing there looking exactly like he did the last time I saw him six years ago, but with half his face hanging off. Why do I dream this shit? Why do I need to work out my personal issues in my head with dead people that I barely know? It was a moment right outta Six Feet Under.
I'm not sure that I have a point here. I want my sisters to know how I feel but now that I'm ready to let my voice be heard, no one is willing to listen. They don't care how I feel about the situation. I'll always be a little kid to them, no matter how old or pissed off I get. It angers me that I spent my whole life listening to every asshole I know tell me their overrated victimizing bullshit side of the story and now mine doesn't matter at all.
I'm in a weird fucking mood and I can't stop googling this guy's name to read people's sad stories about him. Fucking brain, sometimes I wish it would just chill the fuck out.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
I did find these kick ass tumblers for only 5 bucks for the set:
These will be awesome for Kelly's Green Monster smoothies that I plan on trying soon. So maybe I am drinking a smoothie with spinach in it, at least I'm drinking it out of a cup filled with the essence of hardcore gangsta.
Then I went back to work and told Dina about my purchases and this happened:
Plus everywhere I look today, skinny people are eating junk food. God says ha.
I'm fighting back every urge to leave during lunch and head off to anywhere that will offer me something cheap and fried. Or just me and a pie for an hour. I hate stupid days like this.
I guess I'll go to Ross instead and buy more kitchen junk I don't need. It's supposed to get to 112 today, which will be awesome for driving around with no A/C. Jeff's dad keeps saying not to take the car to a shop because they'll overcharge me and swearing that he can fix it, but he keeps NOT fixing it. Like Tim Allen without the money or comedy or DUIs.
I am a whiner. But...it's my blog, ya know? Where else am I supposed to whine?
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
The important thing was that I had some great jokes tonight and kept the table laughing. Nothing makes me happier than making other people crack up. The ultimate insult to me is when someone's like "Yeah, well, she's not as funny as the THINKS she is!" Hate that! It's not like I think I'm the most hilarious person in the world (top 5 maybe...heh), but I hate when people act like I'm some comedic elitist just because I make a joke out of everything. Life is too fucking short to not be laughing about shit. Stop being so freaking serious.
Oh well, like Carlos says, fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.
I keep taking my camera to trivia every week in hopes of catching a picture of that dude on the team that sits next to us that looks like a Dave Grohl/Napoleon Dynamite hybrid and makes me swoon nonstop. I feel like I'm always staring at him. Maybe that's why he sits with his back towards me now. But...well, he was like that when I got there, so maybe it's just a coincidence. That dude is like two two two crushes in one. I want to marry him and spend the rest of my life going "don't you think he looks like Dave Grohl with a pot belly? Yeah! I think so too!"
I think when it comes to crushes, I keep my standards pretty low. I don't go for the Brad Pitts, I go for like...the nerds and the fats. Maybe it's some kinda subconscious self esteem issue, like thinking I shouldn't overshoot my expectations...even in fantasy land. But on the other hand, since they never pay attention to me anyway, maybe if they were at least super hot, I could feel okay about it.
I suffer from fat invisibility. I barely even exist in public except for when some dude has to play Spot the Whale with his frat buddies. Otherwise, I'm seriously not even there. Very rarely does anyone ever make eye contact with me. It's kinda stupid. Like, if you look at me, and I smile trying to be polite, it's okay to smile back. I won't start licking my chops and envisioning how I'm gonna tackle and rape you. Jesus. Maybe it's all in my head. I had a couple drinks so I'm rambling for sure. Sorry.
Anyway, Chuck blogged. You can check that out if you want. I go seep now. To dream about hybrids making eye contact.
Monday, July 13, 2009
...and the cat's balls:
Sunday, July 12, 2009
I did buy a shower caddy though ($4.49), which I needed dreadfully because the shampoo falls off the ledge and crushes my big toe at least once per shower. Usually it's my belly knocking it off. Kickin' me when I'm down.
I bought some condiment bowls ($1.99) so I can have A-1 on my plate without worrying about it touching my side dishes and RUINING EVERYTHING.
Oh, and I bought a utility cart ($17.99) because I had this grand idea that I could walk to the grocery store if only I had a cart to bring stuff back home in. Now I got the cart. Time to find a new excuse.
Hey. If ever there was a good week to be in a coma:
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Here's some non-Chuck related pics from tonite:
HOLY SHIT! THAT'S MY NAME! I know where I'll be on the 8th. Crying about missing out on a deal! :( <---sad face
Sunday, July 5, 2009
In Las Vegas, most good fireworks are illegal, but they have these stands all over town selling "Safe 'n Sane" fireworks. Basically they don't shoot in the air or do anything cool except make a lot of sparks and smoke. They have a few fireworks shows around town, but we just decided to stay put and do our AWESOME KICK ASS SAFETY FIREWORKS! Behold the wonder:
Holy shit, dude!.
Turns out it's very boring and I should stop trusting fate.
FYI, this was my 100th post. I wish it had been something more spectacular...but at least there were fireworks. Ya know?
My fave! This is awesome textured mirror that I am seriously...SERIOUSLY...in love with. LOVE. That's my fat belly in the middle there, in case you ain't know.
The only other art I really have right now is like some weird painting of a dude playing a guitar that I bought at a garage sale for 20 bucks. I think it looks like David Crosby but the guy was like "no way, that's just a man I painted from my head." and I told him he must have had David Crosby in his head and he got all mad. I told him I would buy it if he would say it was David Crosby, so obviously, he was hard up for that $20. I'm excited to have some real art now, eeeeee.
Just wanted to say thanks again, Pam, and I can't WAIT until you get your new computer 'cause I've missed ya.
As for my 4th of July, it was super fun, and I have pics and stuff but I'll deal with that tomorrow because I am sleeeeepy and the camera battery is dead.
Also shoutouts for Canadians, Frenchies and Kiwis, whatwhat :P
Thursday, July 2, 2009
So, it turns out you can't plug a Rocket Grill and a George Foreman grill into the same outlet in an office because it will trip the circuit breaker about every 40 seconds. Lesson learned. We ended up just using the Rocket Grill because that thing is AWESOME. Too bad the stupid bags are so hard to find.
Here's some pics!
She loves a good weiner. (had to, sorry.)
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
The other day some kid left a black crayon on the ground outside my apartment and when I got home, it was all melted into an awesome puddle and I was like "SHIT I NEED A CAMERA!" Now I got one and nothing cool happens! I resorted to taking more pictures of work stuff.
I swear it's just a coincidence I always have on this same shirt on the days I bring my camera to work.
This is the drawer I comandeered for my diet food stuffs. Lookin' kinda bare, time to restock.
That's enough of that BS. We're having a potluck tomorrow so maybe we'll get some better action shots!
Haha, he looks kinda sad, but only because no one signed up yet. So email me or comment if you're in and I'll get to work building up some nerve to go to the Las Vegas Strip with him this weekend. If I get at least...five...this shit is SO on.