Thursday, July 30, 2009

Summer is easily the shitiest season ever invented.

I'm not dead or anything. I've just been in a hellacious shitstorm that made me pretty non-social. But here I am, so you can rest easy tonight, friends.

Here's something that sucks: I pulled a muscle in my leg. How, you might ask? Strength training? Jogging? Phooning?? Nope...just a'walkin'. In Sam's Club. I saw my future and it involves a lot of swearing and a motorized cart. I CAN NOT BECOME THE FAT LADY IN THE CART. No offense to fat ladies in carts, I think you're hardcore and all...I just don't wanna be you.

It fuckin' sucked, man. First off, I got a shopping cart, then I HAD to pee, so I went to do that. When I came out of the bathroom, some asshole had already taken my cart. ASSHOLES! Getting a new cart would have involved going back outside and flashing the stupid membership card and all that shit again, so I was like "eff it...I'm not getting that much stuff." So I'm walking along carrying a box of tuna pouches, a box of turkey burgers, and a pack of Sandwich Thins. I zero in on watermelons and start walking then it's like FUCK. It basically felt like a charlie horse...but like a big nasty one with a bad attitude. :(

I never had a charlie horse while I was standing up before so I'm all wtf? So I tried to walk it off, but that wasn't working at all. I just couldn't get the muscle to relax and it was hurting like a real son of a bitch with each step I took. And it stayed stuck like that for DAYS and DAYS. It's finally starting to loosen up now like a week later.

Needless to say, that shit scares me. I mean, when you pull a muscle working out or something, that's one thing. But when you pull a muscle just waddling your fat ass around a store, something is wrong, son. I see that I'm teetering on a dangerous edge here where my very mobility is at risk, and it's fucking with my head.

I went though a very weird depression where everything felt pretty hopeless. My family is all fucked up and my friends were mad at me and I was just being a miserable bitch because I was scared and insecure. I really do need to find a's all getting a little ridiculous. I've called about five and I keep getting voicemails and no callbacks. What kinda way is this to do business? Maybe they're sitting there judging the patheticness of my voicemail messages and deciding they don't wanna get involved. Maybe I should make them more vague instead of yelling CRY FOR HELP CRY FOR HELP CRY FOR HELP into the reciever. And then leaving my phone number, of course...I'm not some crazy person, dudes. I KNOW HOW THE WORLD WORKS! ...

Anyway, as far as dieting goes, I've been doing pretty good. My scale worked, though just barely. 404.8. It took about 40 tries to get it to read my weight, so I dunno how accurate it is. It could have been the scale's way of just trying to get me to stop torturing it. Either way...I will take it.

I'm still having a problem with POINTS disbursement. Too many left at night which is like a free pass to eat a bunch of bullshit right before bed. I think I need to see a nutritionist maybe. Who has time for all these fucking doctors with their stupid schedules? week, I'm supposed to learn how to swim. Pathetic, I know. But remember, I didn't learn to drive until I was 28 so I'm always a decade or so late on shit. Maybe next year, I'll try that "reading" thing I hear so much about. I wanna learn to swim because every doctor I go to is all "You're pretty fat...maybe you should try swimming so you don't crush your knees trying to walk around like a regular person." And I mean, they're doctors, so they know their shit. But I doubt their interpretation of swimming is the same as mine, which is like, floating around holding on to a Noodle for dear life until you start to get pruney or the sun goes down. They prolly want me to like...move around and shit. So I'm gonna try to learn how to move around in the water without drowning and hopefully get over my OBSESSION about not getting water in my nose. (GOD I HATE IT!)

So that's life. Times are sucky, but they're getting better. I just wish it would hurry up and be Fall.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Grumble grumble

I finally got my sister to answer her phone today. She talked to me for a whole two minutes before calling me a bitch and hanging up on me. Then she turned off her phone before I could call back. She has service through stupidass Cricket Wireless and when you call it actually tells you "Your call cannot be connected because the Cricket customer you are calling has turned off their phone." What the fuck? Like, way to rub it in my face, assholes.

It was a real frustrating day and I sat in my hot ass car like having a fucking breakdown after I heard that stupid message. It may as well have said "You doesn't wanna talk to you, stop calling!" Fuck Cricket. So I sat there for like a minute crying and becoming this gross mix of sweat and makeup and tears and snot, and I was like "this is stupid." So I just came in and buried my head into the couch pillow for like an hour and devised this shitty letter to her in my head, then talked myself out of it.

It's not like I'm okay with her hating me over some shit that really has nothing to do with's just that I'm too frustrated to even care right now.

Oh, and I saw this right in front of my door today when I got home:

Nice place for a used condom, whoever you are. You can get a hotel room in this town for like nine dollars a really need to fuck in the stairwell? I hope your next condom breaks and you get herpes. There, I said it.

Oh well, at least I stayed on plan today even though all the junk. And I found my old tracker journal thingy to boot:

Still way too many points to have left at like 7pm. It's a work in progress.

I feel super bitchy. Glad today's over.

My redneck past keeps nipping at my heels...

So neither of my sisters would even answer my calls last night. Fuck em.

We went to trivia but we got 4th again and the nerdy Dave Grohl guy wasn't even though so it was pretty sucky.

So it's day 3 of dieting. I was super excited about finally finding the 75% Reduced Fat Cabot Cheddar last night that Biz recommended. It's awesome! I made up an Egg TrishMuffin this morning with the cheese all scrambied into my egg whites and it was nom nom noms. I'm not really a breakfast person but I'm trying to get more calories in during the day so I can stop eating so much at night. We'll see how it goes.

I'm back into the "can't-weigh-in-too-fat" range so my scale won't weigh me again. I was talking to Dina about it and she told me to like wrap a string around my waist and mark it so I can measure it again in a couple weeks and see if it got smaller, but man, that sounds so damn country to me. MA, WHERE'S MUH MEASURING TWINE?? Gah. I guess I'll do it though...fat beggars can't be fat choosers. I'll let you guys know how that works out.

Oh yeah, speaking of Dina, we're planning a Blogger meetup for sometime in late January 2009. Basically you fly to (DESTINATION TO BE DETERMINED) for a weekend of fat debauchery and then you go home. You have to get like...a place to stay and pay for your own shit.'s like six months away, so you should be able to save up some scratch by then and you can come out and meet all your favorite Blogger peeps! And me! I think it will be a blast. So...yeah. Lemme know if you think you'd be down for this sorta thing.

I'm so excited for the movie Funny People to come out. I keep watching all these shows about it and reading all this junk online about it. I hope I don't ruin it for myself cause July 31 is still a long time from now. C'mon c'mon c'mon! Seth Rogen is hot but I still miss his fatness.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


It's been a busy day here and I've been trying to get as much work done as possible. My desk is finally free and clear of all pending BS...whew. On Friday, they laid off nine people at my job. My boss says that my department has been "justified" as far as the staff goes, which means we all have enough work to do to still be here, but there's still a big feeling of uneasiness in the air. Oh well, I'm gonna try to not stress about it for now. I'll have plenty of time to stress when/if the time comes.

I think we're going to trivia tonite so I went to go get my daily call to Dad outta the way on my last break. That was a bad idea. He's like practically begging me to call my sister and get her to talk to him. That is, if she'll even take MY call. I told him I really don't wanna get involved in this shit but he was like pleading in a very pathetic way. Sincerity isn't exactly my dad's forte, so I can hardly ever say no to it. Then his voice cracked and I was like..."fine." What can I do? As much as I wanna stay far far away from this whole fucked up situation, I also don't have it in me to listen to an old man cry.

My sister is a real cut-throat type of person. Like...if you piss her off, she'll automatically think to say the worst thing she can possibly think to say about you no matter who's around. I can't even count the number of times I've heard her announce to a guy in public "OH YEAH, WELL THAT'S WHY YOU GOT A LITTLE DICK, YOU LITTLE DICK BASTARD." Like, come on, dude. Keep that shit indoors at least. Of course for me, it's always the same..."fat bitch."

Like, bitch is bad enough, why do we gotta add adjectives? But then again, maybe "bitch" isn't an insult to her since she's one of those people who will say some cliche bullshit like "Yeah, I'm a bitch, and proud of it!" or...her infamous bumper sticker of "That's MS BITCH to you!" Bleh. I hate that shit. Why would anyone WANT to be something that's universally hated? That trend was fucking lost on me.

But I digress...yeah, she can never have an argument with me without throwing my fatness into it. I mean, on one hand, I guess it's a good thing, cause it's all she's got.

But still, I mean, I don't bring up her obvious physical shortcomings and throw them on to the insults I hurl. I don't even hurl insults! I try to keep it civil and make actual points instead of just bringing up inconsequential shit like her chain-smoking, uber-controlling, crypt-keeper-looking, leathery skin-having, can't-keep-a-man-ing. NO. I could bring lots of shit up, but I don't. Cause I wanna talk about the issue at hand, not just have some hate-filled argument. Gah, she is fucking impossible and now I gotta spend all evening dealing with this shit and it SUCKS.

The fact of the matter is that, yes, my sister has had a shitty hard life. I've spent a fucking lifetime making excuses for her. I finally realize that having a rough life doesn't give you free reign to ruin the lives of everyone around you. She's just a miserable person and she only cares about herself. Sometimes you just have to call a spade a spade.

And even after all the bullshit, all the shitty things that she's done, I would STILL be there if she needed me. As would the rest of my family. And she knows that. And that's why she has no remorse. I don't get all.

Plus, I'm pretty sure my other sister is back on junk and I can't even THINK about that shit right now or my head will officially explode. These are shitty times.

And all I want right now is to bury my head in a fucking gallon of ice cream and I can't even do that because Dina would be all over my ass. Thanks...(humph.)



Sunday, July 19, 2009

Lady in Red.

Whole Foods can kiss my pasty white ass, for real. Where do they get off! $2.38 for a bell pepper. It wasn't marked on the shelf, but I'm like "it's a bell pepper, I think I can handle it." I WAS WRONG. But then there's the awkward situation. Like, I don't wanna pay that much for a freakin bell pepper, but I also don't wanna cause a ruckus over a couple bucks. I mean, people already look at me like I just fell off the turnip truck when I walk in there. So I let it go.

56 bucks worth of nothingness and it all fit in ONE freakin' bag. I did buy a Shampoo Bar to try though. But then I looked on the back once I got home and it said "Best for short to medium hair." GREAT. Stupid Whole Foods! It seems like once a year I have to remind myself why I don't go there. Self...consider yourself reminded.

I had to go to Wal-Mart to pick up some staples at reasonable prices. I never felt so greatful for capitalism.

Also, it rained. Which seems like it should be a good thing because it's been so dang hot here lately. But it rained for like 40 seconds then it gets all humid and gross. This is what I looked like when I got home and unloaded the groceries:

This is how red I get after my Bare Minerals melts away. My glasses kept fogging up because of the EXTREME heat comin' off my face. Shit is ridic. Dina cropped this picture for me because she said I looked nude, which WASN'T true. But I figure I don't need to subject you guys to my low hangies on the Lord's day. Maybe on a Thursday or something.

Meatloaf's in the oven for lunches all week. I pureed a bunch of veggies with tomato sauce to try to sneak 'em in. Hopefully it won't suck 'cause I didn't really plan for a backup meal and I DON'T wanna have to go back outside. Stupid freakin' outside.

I'm excited about having Jicama tomorrow. That's weird.

Now you can have a hot pocket for breakfast, a hot pocket for lunch, and be dead by dinner.

Sunday morning. The weekends go by too fast, even when I do nothing. It's 4:30 and I'm still up, as's still Saturday night for me. Then I'll sleep late and my sleep schedule will be all effed for the rest of the week. I'm nocturnal, what can I say? I just wasn't meant for the rat race. Maybe the bat race. It works because they rhyme, see?

So I have a list for Sunday. Gotta do laundry and hopefully get the oil changed and I gotta go buy some healthy groceries. I was planning on going to Whole Foods to scoff at the prices and be stared at by yuppies. I'll prolly still do that so I can try to find some of that Amazing Grass shit everyone keeps talking about. Me and veggies aren't exactly pals, so I gotta try to get the good stuff in through sneaky and expensive ways.

You know, the first time I did Weight Watchers, I lost like 40 pounds in four months before I quit and gained back 80. But...I only did it online, and I didn't really know anything about it except that you get a number of points and you eat that much and that's it. I didn't know anything about the weekly 35 or the Healthy Guidelines or any of that shit. I wouldn't eat all day then have a whole medium thin-crust Pepperoni Pizza from Pizza Hut and call it a day. Best.Diet.Ever.

Then one day some buzzkill's all like "well what about your daily oil? and what about your fruits and veggies? and what about blah blah blah?" and I'm all "...but...what?" Too much information, dudez. Trying to ration out points for stuff I hate fucking sucked and the next thing I knew I was back to my old ways.

So then I spent a brick of time yesterday all like "Man, I should just go back to my old-school rebel Weight Watchers way...that shit worked!" But like, that's probably not healthy. And I think at this point in my life, I need to be less concerned with getting thin (ha!) and more concerned with getting healthy. Because my health is for shit. I'm diabetic, which I'm sure is no shock to anyone here, but more than that, I'm like DIABETIC 2 the EXXXTREME! I'm 31 and I take a shot and 2 pills a day JUST for diabetes. Then pills for cholesterol and my impending heart explosion aspirin a day. That's a lot of shit. And I HATE taking pills. But taking a cholesterol pill every day is easier than choking down oatmeal every morning because I hate that too. I hate a lot of shit.

I need to get over it. I've eaten pretty much every bad food in the world, so I guess it's time to move on. Time to eat the green junk. Ugh.

I'll start with giving up sugar. That's the plan this week. Nothing with sugar unless it's like...fruit. I can do that. I love fruit. And I wanna try to have smaller dinners. I am a points hoarder and I routinely come home from work with about 20-25 points in my back pocket. That's over a thousand calories in one meal. Too much.

Optimism. No birthdays or potlucks this week. OPTIMISM!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Sometimes stuff just sucks...

Some weird shit has been going on lately. A couple nights ago, my brother's friend killed himself. He was in his garage working on his Art Car with some friends. He told them to hang on for a minute and went inside his house and took off all his clothes. He grabbed his dad's old shotgun (the same one his dad used to kill himself over a decade ago) and was about to pull the trigger when his wife walked in and saw him. She started screaming and wrestling the gun away from him. He pushed her and the shotgun away and reached into a nearby drawer and pulled out a pistol and shot himself in front of her. I don't understand this at all. My brother said he emailed him earlier in the day inviting him to an art show this weekend, so it doesn't seem like it was a planned thing. I mean, his friends were still in the garage working on the car.

I try not to be too judgemental when someone kills themselves. On one hand, I do think it's a selfish thing to do. I know he dealt with depression issues for many years. I think most people, at some point in their life, have hit a low point and had fleeting thoughts of doing it. But I wonder what makes you snap? Like what thought could have been so horrible in that one moment that makes you leave your friends to go kill yourself in the middle of the evening?

As most of you know, I don't deal well with death. I internalize it too much, and it turns into my own personal tragedy even if I barely knew the person. I think about how it would feel if that had been my friend, my brother, my dad, etc. I remember the pain of losing my mom and my neice and it all floods back in this weird wave of emotion that I can't control even though I know it's a little silly to create this suffering. I don't know why I do it, but I'll obsess over it for days and days and then finally just move on.

Anyway, I haven't seen this guy in probably a good six years. When I lived at home, I was basically my brother's shadow anytime he'd let me be around. By default, all the people in his life became the people in my life. I remember this dude as like a really happy, helpful, funny guy. I can't imagine him doing this, but it's done, so that shows how much I really knew about him. I did have a weird dream about him last night though.

I went to bed in a bad mood because my sisters are essentially dividing my family into these two camps of YOU'RE WITH US or FUCK YOU STAY OUTTA MY LIFE. God forbid someone should have a different viewpoint than them on something. They're avoiding my calls and basically pretending I don't exist because I think what they're doing to my dad is fucked up and selfish.

I feel like I've spent my whole life playing the middle ground. I've always been more concerned with being likeable and neutral than with taking a stand for anything I actually believe in. But I can say at this moment: My sisters are being selfish cunts. And since they don't want to talk to me or even try to explain their side of the story, my opinion stands.

In the dream, my brother's friend was telling me to stop being a doormat. Stop letting everyone tell me what to think. Stop making jokes instead of saying how I feel. We were having this profound conversation about why I think my opinions aren't important and he was standing there looking exactly like he did the last time I saw him six years ago, but with half his face hanging off. Why do I dream this shit? Why do I need to work out my personal issues in my head with dead people that I barely know? It was a moment right outta Six Feet Under.

I'm not sure that I have a point here. I want my sisters to know how I feel but now that I'm ready to let my voice be heard, no one is willing to listen. They don't care how I feel about the situation. I'll always be a little kid to them, no matter how old or pissed off I get. It angers me that I spent my whole life listening to every asshole I know tell me their overrated victimizing bullshit side of the story and now mine doesn't matter at all.

I'm in a weird fucking mood and I can't stop googling this guy's name to read people's sad stories about him. Fucking brain, sometimes I wish it would just chill the fuck out.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

All Eyez On Me...

I felt better after some retail therapy at Ross. I love that place because you never know what kinda weird shit you're gonna find. It's like a scavenger hunt. I saw an awesome painting of a clown eating a cupcake and I wanted it pretty bad, but it was outta my price range for weird shit. As a general rule, I usually try to keep my junk purchases under 10 bucks per item because otherwise I feel like the joke's on me. I hid it way in the back of the pile so maybe it'll go on Clearance one day and my life will be whole again.

I did find these kick ass tumblers for only 5 bucks for the set:
These will be awesome for Kelly's Green Monster smoothies that I plan on trying soon. So maybe I am drinking a smoothie with spinach in it, at least I'm drinking it out of a cup filled with the essence of hardcore gangsta.

Then I went back to work and told Dina about my purchases and this happened:
Good ol' Dina. Always making me feel smart.
I got home at 4:30 and Jeff was still in bed, so whatever. I guess he was up at some point during the day because I found this in the kitchen:
Man, it must really be time to go grocery shopping if he was reduced to baking fucking cornbread to eat for lunch. He has frozen dinners so I dunno what the hell was up with this, but it sure looks like shit. Kitchen's all dirty, sink's all full, and this corn-rock was just sitting there looking sad. I kinda wanna go chuck it at his head, but I guess that would be rude and I'm trying to be nice so he'll take me to get some dinner when/if he wakes up. I'll give him another hour and if nothing happens, it's CORNBREAD TO THE HEAD time.

Pardon our Dust...

It's been one of THOSE days so far. I didn't get enough sleep which leads to a predisposed case of ye olde Grumpers. Plus, the boss was on my ass first thing this morning about how I can't seem to do anything right lately. She blames the internet. I blame being mind-numbingly bored with paperwork. We're prolly both at least a little right.

Plus everywhere I look today, skinny people are eating junk food. God says ha.

I'm fighting back every urge to leave during lunch and head off to anywhere that will offer me something cheap and fried. Or just me and a pie for an hour. I hate stupid days like this.

I guess I'll go to Ross instead and buy more kitchen junk I don't need. It's supposed to get to 112 today, which will be awesome for driving around with no A/C. Jeff's dad keeps saying not to take the car to a shop because they'll overcharge me and swearing that he can fix it, but he keeps NOT fixing it. Like Tim Allen without the money or comedy or DUIs.

I am a whiner.'s my blog, ya know? Where else am I supposed to whine?

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Invisible is the new black.

Gettin' kinda tired of coming in 4th place at trivia. We always seem to lose it in the last round over some bullshit question about like 1940s golf or something. Infuriating! Plus, we keep losing by like ONE point. That's the killer. At least if it's a blowout, you can laugh about it. When you lose by one point, it's like...FUCK! Oh well, it's just a game, yadda yadda blah blah blah, right? RIGHT!

The important thing was that I had some great jokes tonight and kept the table laughing. Nothing makes me happier than making other people crack up. The ultimate insult to me is when someone's like "Yeah, well, she's not as funny as the THINKS she is!" Hate that! It's not like I think I'm the most hilarious person in the world (top 5 maybe...heh), but I hate when people act like I'm some comedic elitist just because I make a joke out of everything. Life is too fucking short to not be laughing about shit. Stop being so freaking serious.

Oh well, like Carlos says, fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.

I keep taking my camera to trivia every week in hopes of catching a picture of that dude on the team that sits next to us that looks like a Dave Grohl/Napoleon Dynamite hybrid and makes me swoon nonstop. I feel like I'm always staring at him. Maybe that's why he sits with his back towards me now. But...well, he was like that when I got there, so maybe it's just a coincidence. That dude is like two two two crushes in one. I want to marry him and spend the rest of my life going "don't you think he looks like Dave Grohl with a pot belly? Yeah! I think so too!"

I think when it comes to crushes, I keep my standards pretty low. I don't go for the Brad Pitts, I go for like...the nerds and the fats. Maybe it's some kinda subconscious self esteem issue, like thinking I shouldn't overshoot my expectations...even in fantasy land. But on the other hand, since they never pay attention to me anyway, maybe if they were at least super hot, I could feel okay about it.

I suffer from fat invisibility. I barely even exist in public except for when some dude has to play Spot the Whale with his frat buddies. Otherwise, I'm seriously not even there. Very rarely does anyone ever make eye contact with me. It's kinda stupid. Like, if you look at me, and I smile trying to be polite, it's okay to smile back. I won't start licking my chops and envisioning how I'm gonna tackle and rape you. Jesus. Maybe it's all in my head. I had a couple drinks so I'm rambling for sure. Sorry.

Anyway, Chuck blogged. You can check that out if you want. I go seep now. To dream about hybrids making eye contact.

Monday, July 13, 2009

At least it's not a Beatles song parody...:P

I lost a follower today! Can't say I blame 'em...the quality of these posts has gone WAY down lately. I think it's cause the only time I think of something to talk about, it's a big ol' long whiny post so I scrap it half-way and post a stupid picture of something. In the spirit of that, here's Jeff's belly:

...and the cat's balls:
One day this blog will be good again (or for once...) so just hang tight! And tough. Like the New Kids.
Hey, if you get bored, my old pal CHUCK posted some more pics. He's on his way to OH-HI-OH to see Camevil now. I can't wait!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Fat people can be picky too.

ROSS has good kitchen stuff for cheap, but everytime I see something I want, it's open. That probably doesn't matter, but something just feels wrong about buying a package that someone else already opened. The moral of this story is: I still haven't bought a salad spinner. And I need to so I can start buying the cheaper, uncut, unwashed lettuce. Because if there's one thing I hate, it's wet lettuce. The end.

I did buy a shower caddy though ($4.49), which I needed dreadfully because the shampoo falls off the ledge and crushes my big toe at least once per shower. Usually it's my belly knocking it off. Kickin' me when I'm down.

I bought some condiment bowls ($1.99) so I can have A-1 on my plate without worrying about it touching my side dishes and RUINING EVERYTHING.

Oh, and I bought a utility cart ($17.99) because I had this grand idea that I could walk to the grocery store if only I had a cart to bring stuff back home in. Now I got the cart. Time to find a new excuse.

Hey. If ever there was a good week to be in a coma:


Effective Advertising. bad do you really want that dipped cone?

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Variety is the spice of life.

This is boring weekend.

I have Chuck's next adventure all ready to go, but I'm waiting to post it after the weekend when people remember they have a blog.

I am bored. Here's a list of what keywords people have used to find my blog via search engines in the last 7 days:

That is certainly eclectic.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Doctah Doctah gimme da newz...

Hello boys and girls.

I have been having some shitty days lately. My family is driving me crazy. Don't really wanna talk about it cause it sucks, and also, not thinking about it helps a lot. Stress is driving me into the arms of Dr Pepper. I always know my diet has hit rock bottom once I allow myself a soda as I consider it the cardinal sin of dieting. It was just one though. I didn't buy a 12 pack or anything, so it'll be all gravy by tomorrow. I already packed a lunch. Stupid family.

In other news, Chuck's blog is up! I'm breaking my pictures down into three equally crappy parts. It was a fun little project, plus it gave me something to do with Jeff's nephew while he stayed over a couple days.

Taking pictures of a rubber chicken is harder than you think and I can't wait to see what kinda adventures you guys take him on. This is obviously the most exciting thing going on in my life right now so please bear with my FANGIRLness about it. Humor me! Sometimes it's hard to even find him in a picture, but that comes with the added bonus of being like Where's Waldo minus the stripey shirt. Hope you guys like it!
So go here now, have a look, add his blog, and then just sit back and let the good times roll. I'll be contacting the cool people who wanted to play along for addresses and whatnot soon.

P.S. How awesome is this?

Monday, July 6, 2009

Gonna set muh soul on fire...

Man, Las Vegas is too damn hot to be trying to get some rubber chicken pictures. Nothing went as smoothly as planned and sadly, it was the pictures that suffered. I did get a few decent ones though, and you'll be able to see them as soon as Dina stops resisting and succumbs to her blog-making ways. I know she wants to make it, I dunno why she has to play this cat-and-mouse game! God, I am dying of heat exhaustion. The things I do for a rubber cock.

Here's some non-Chuck related pics from tonite:

Jeff and Alex enjoying a few moments of A/C on this otherwise hellish night.

HOLY SHIT! THAT'S MY NAME! I know where I'll be on the 8th. Crying about missing out on a deal! :( <---sad face

Chuck was knee deep in titties and chicken bones before he realized he was eating his own kind. Being the BAD MOFO that he is, he spilled a little Schlitz on the floor and kept eating. Shit ain't right.

Seriously? Fuck you, Fremont.

It always ends up here for some reason.

Coochie coochie!
I am freaking tired and sweaty and wishing for death, so I'm out. Dina...give the people what they want.
Nite nite sailors.

Sunday, July 5, 2009


I took a lot of pictures yesterday but I realized they were mostly pictures of kids which seems weird to post here since they're not like, my kids. I'm not sure how much Jeff's sister wants pictures of her kids in bathing suits on some weird ass blog, so I'll just post these boring fireworks pictures and you can pretend they're magical.

In Las Vegas, most good fireworks are illegal, but they have these stands all over town selling "Safe 'n Sane" fireworks. Basically they don't shoot in the air or do anything cool except make a lot of sparks and smoke. They have a few fireworks shows around town, but we just decided to stay put and do our AWESOME KICK ASS SAFETY FIREWORKS! Behold the wonder:

Ooooh, ahhhhh!

Holy shit, dude!.

Alright, that's enough. The people across the street had a good amount of illegal fireworks so we still got a pretty good show. My general philosophy in life is to let others do the dirty work for you, so I was down with this.
In other news, Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture Edition is the best game ever invented. We played this for over 3 hours yesterday and I was seriously in heaven. It's awesome trivia without all the boring questions about science and history! I kept getting ridiculed for knowing the answers to questions about Full House, My So-Called Life, and dare I say it, Dawson's Creek. SO WHAT! Just jealous of my mad TV skillz. I was told several times to read a book. jealous.
I love you.
After much prodding from Jeff's mom, of all people, to get a stinkin' Facebook, I finally gave up my righteous fight last nite and signed up. When I got my word verification, I assumed it must have been fate so I took it as a good sign.
Hells yeah, son!

Turns out it's very boring and I should stop trusting fate.

FYI, this was my 100th post. I wish it had been something more spectacular...but at least there were fireworks. Ya know?

Mailbox love.

I wanted to share some awesome things I received in the mail a few days ago. Actually, it may have been longer by my apartment complex didn't bother telling me I had a yeah.

Anyway, I started reading Pam's blog a couple months ago because it was a weight loss blog, but I soon found out that she's a great artist too. I first got into the Dia de los Muertos art scene about seven years ago when my brother and I entered an art show. I made a whole $100 on my piece! Which isn't a lot for art, but it was a lot for MY art...which is admittedly sloppy, at best. No pictures of that atrosity, my apologies. But when I went to view the exhibit, I totally fell in love with the concept and an obsession was born.

I talked to Pam a bit about my deep DEEP love for her work that I'd seen and when she offered to mail me a housewarming present, I secretly hoped she'd send me a print, but I was in no way expecting all the great stuff I got! Check it:

Five prints! LOVE THEM! I've been searching high and low for some interesting frames because I can't see just putting them in my usual cheap wooden Wal-Mart specials. I plan on hanging them above my craft area and using them for inspirado. :)

Four pairs of earrings! The pictures don't do them guys know I'm the world's shittiest photographer.

My fave! This is awesome textured mirror that I am love with. LOVE. That's my fat belly in the middle there, in case you ain't know.

The only other art I really have right now is like some weird painting of a dude playing a guitar that I bought at a garage sale for 20 bucks. I think it looks like David Crosby but the guy was like "no way, that's just a man I painted from my head." and I told him he must have had David Crosby in his head and he got all mad. I told him I would buy it if he would say it was David Crosby, so obviously, he was hard up for that $20. I'm excited to have some real art now, eeeeee.

Just wanted to say thanks again, Pam, and I can't WAIT until you get your new computer 'cause I've missed ya.

As for my 4th of July, it was super fun, and I have pics and stuff but I'll deal with that tomorrow because I am sleeeeepy and the camera battery is dead.

Also shoutouts for Canadians, Frenchies and Kiwis, whatwhat :P

Bye dudes.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

"And this one time Scooter had a ball of yarn and blah blah blah..."

Today was the 4th of July potluck at work. Also, the fucking longest day ever, for some reason. So glad it's overrrrrr. Too bad I have to work tomorrow though. It's gonna be boring as shit cause it's just me and the one assistant manager that pretty much hates me and only talks to me when she goes on her 30-minute diatribes about something cute her cat did. Alls I know is, it's gonna be yet another long day. But at least I get some overtime, and I could use a little extra scratch, so I'll deal with it.

So, it turns out you can't plug a Rocket Grill and a George Foreman grill into the same outlet in an office because it will trip the circuit breaker about every 40 seconds. Lesson learned. We ended up just using the Rocket Grill because that thing is AWESOME. Too bad the stupid bags are so hard to find.

Here's some pics!

Bosses making burgers and dogs.

She loves a good weiner. (had to, sorry.)

I brought in my own special super diety fat-free dogs and turkey a super nerd.

My lunch. I didn't even eat any doritos. No small feat for me, remember that.

All the good stuff I stayed away from. (frowny-face)

More news on the CHICKEN FRONT:
Carlos said the chicken already has a name, and it's Chuck. I thought of Chuck as soon as I saw him, but I felt it was a little cliche. But as long as it's someone else being cliche and not me, I will go with it. CHUCK RULES!
I got quite a few responses for people willing to show him a good time, so I am EXCITED! I'll work on it this weekend. As a teaser, here is a pic of Chuck ignoring my advances. Good times.

I need some chap stick. Alright, time to go make spaghetti.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

I feel like chicken tonite!

Man, nothing cool happened today to take pictures of! Bummer. I even brought it to work and everything.

The other day some kid left a black crayon on the ground outside my apartment and when I got home, it was all melted into an awesome puddle and I was like "SHIT I NEED A CAMERA!" Now I got one and nothing cool happens! I resorted to taking more pictures of work stuff.

No one understands how much I love photo booths.

Da Boss.

I swear it's just a coincidence I always have on this same shirt on the days I bring my camera to work.

The kitchen!

This is the drawer I comandeered for my diet food stuffs. Lookin' kinda bare, time to restock.

That's enough of that BS. We're having a potluck tomorrow so maybe we'll get some better action shots!
Moving on: I have a new project. When TJ sent me her old camera, she also sent me the rubber chicken she got from Carlos during the Blog Exchange. It was love at first sniff...mmm, rubber. This is no ordinary chicken though, and I can tell that he was meant for more than life in a drawer. I'm planning a grand voyage for him, but obviously I don't travel enough. But, I started thinking. I HAVE BLOGGER PALS ALL OVER THESE GREAT LANDS! I wanna take pics of him around Las Vegas and launch his blog site and then send him off to next lucky participant...IF there are any. So you guys want in on this or not? IT COULD BE EPIC!
You don't have to live in a fancy town or anything. I mean, even if your local landmark is "the big Wal-Mart", I don't care, and neither does this chicken! Also, he needs a name. Look at him, he's know you want some of this!

Haha, he looks kinda sad, but only because no one signed up yet. So email me or comment if you're in and I'll get to work building up some nerve to go to the Las Vegas Strip with him this weekend. If I get at least...five...this shit is SO on.