I found out tonight that my sister has breast cancer. She still won't answer my calls.

I don't get this stupid fucking grudge. All I want is to talk to her and find out what the situation is and how she's doing and to ask if I can help. I don't even understand why she's so mad at everybody.

The only reason I know is because she told my nephew that she's dying. He had no details.

When my neice called to see what was going on, she said she saw no point in telling any of us because no one in this family cares about her. I don't know if she's intentionally picking these fights with everyone just to distance herself so she can deal with it alone or what. She fabricates these situations to make everything worse when really we all need each other right now and everyone's too fucking stubborn to just deal with shit. It's really fucking stupid.

I just feel sick and sad and pissed. I don't know what to do.

DisneyLand burned down.

Today was very Monday-ish.

Work was all busy and stressful and Amber quit, which didn't help things. She told me last week she was going to quit because she got another job, but I guess she ended up sending a text to my boss telling her she was quitting and moving back to California because she was leaving her husband. That turned out to be a big fat lie. I hate when people let me in on some insider info, but then forget to tell me important details like "OH YEAH THIS IS THE LIE I'M TELLING THE BOSS SO DON'T FUCK IT UP FOR ME."

So when my boss comes over to my desk today all sad like "Did you hear about Amber?" I'm all..."uhhhhhhhhhhhh." Quick thinker, that's what I am. Luckily I caught myself before I blurted out "OH YOU MEAN ABOUT HER COOL NEW JOB??" That...woulda been bad.

I dunno why she had to lie about it anyway. Suckers.

I obviously don't have anything to blog about so just read this:

Cheer me up!

I'm all grumped up today.

You guys wanna tell me a joke or something? That'd be cool. Do that.

A fat.

Just a little mid-afternoon delight...

Days like this totally make it worth having a website that tells you how people find your blog.

So...how's your Thursday goin'?

Don't forget Project Runway starts tonite tonite tonite tonite tonite tonite! 2Nite. Tonight.

Forreal.

I still hate Fred Durst.

Dear Dr. Atkins:

I fear that I have failed you yet again. I ate some pretzels.

All apologies,
Tricia

P.S. It wasn't my fault!

We had our semi-annual blood drive at work today and I usually always donate because a) it gets me off the phone for like a good half-hour... b) you usually get some free tickets to something ...and c) saving lives and whatnot. My dad practically lived on transfused blood through most of the 80s so I feel as though it's my karmic duty to pay a little back.

Well I went in there to do the interview thing where they ask you 5 million questions about whether or not you've even been to Mexico or fucked a prostitute or had sex with a man who had sex with another man. (no, no, yes, respectively. kidding...kinda.) Anywho the lady was like "you qualify to donate red blood cells, we would love for you to do that if you have a little extra time." For some reason, this came across to me like I just won some grand award or something. Extra time off the phone? Yes please.

Of course, I didn't know she meant TWO FREAKING HOURS. It wouldn't have really taken that long but the dude on the machine before me was what the lady lovingly called a "slow bleeder" so I had to wait around for a brick of time. Luckily for me, my daily aspirin makes me a "good bleeder" so if there's ever a contest over who can bleed to death the fastest, I got that shit in the bag. THE BODY BAG, that is! See what I did there? eh eh?

My boss kept coming in there like doing that thing people do where they look at their wrist like they're wearing some imaginary watch and saying "still??" Jesus lady, I'm bleeding as fast as I can!

Anyway, the process is like they take 2 pints, then put some saline or some junk in there and then the machine separates your red blood cells then gives you back your useless stinkin' blood. I didn't mind doing it, but I felt super weird the rest of the day. Like anytime I would stand up, I'd have a wicked head rush. My boss was like "you look pale, you should eat some cookies." I was all "no sir, no carbies!" Then I started to get the major woozies so I compromised and had a baggie of pretzels. 23g of carbs, so not TERRIBLE...but still. I forgive myself cause it's better than fainting and getting clowned at work.

So yeah, usually they give us like some pretty good show tickets for doing this jazz. This time they gave us a freaking tshirt and a certificate for a dang cookie. A COOKIE?? C'mon! I mean, I love cookies, don't get me wrong, but I'd rather have those Penn & Teller tickets they were giving out LAST month. Oh well.

Plus the shirt was like an XL...yeah right...how 'bout you add about 5 more Xs on there and we can talk? I stuffed my wide body in there like ground pork into a sausage casing so I could show you guys. Is that love or WHAT?

Yeah, that's Jeff's bathroom, and yes, he had just got off the toilet. Before you even ax. I don't care, I literally have no shame.

So that was my day. Now tell me about yours!

ALSO...you know, my work has like some of the comment boxes disabled and since I do most of my blog reading at work, sometimes I never get to comment some of you peeps. I dunno what the application is that's making it block or else I'd ask you all to kindly remove it. I just don't want you cats thinkin' I'm some stuck up bitch who thinks she's too cool to comment. So...yeah.

Winner winner low-carb dinner...

Whew...one whole completely carbless day down. Cutting the insulin seems to have worked so that's a relief. As far as being diabetic goes, I'm not the best, but I am trying a little harder since I think it would make my mom sad to see me being so lackluster with my health given the fact that she died from like all the shit I have now. I'm trying, Mom! Kindly lay off. Thanks, love ya!

We went to trivia tonite and actually DIDN'T LOSE! Well, 2nd place, which any Ricky Bobby fan will tell you is really just the 1st Loser, but it's still better than 4th! I got a couple good ones so I was happy. Truth be told, I think we only won because the British dude was back in town. That dude is too dang smart. He knows the headscratchers that we always have to guess on. Good times.

It was also Angel's birthday so there was CAKE. Those dirty fucking bastards. I stayed strong. Not even a bite. You guys shoulda seen me...I was in rare form. "Cake? Oh heavens no. None for me, thanks!" So everyone around me ate cake and drank beer and I had like 6 damn glasses of water. Kinda made me feel like an asshole, but whatever. I'm over it and I feel accomplished, so it was worth it. Cake looked kinda dry anyway (not that I still wouldn't have buried my face in there and motorboated that sumbitch.)

Here's some pics, then I'm going to sleep cause I am freaking tired. Nite dudes.

About 30 candles short, but whatever...

Dirty cake bandit.

Documented proof that we don't suck that bad when there's at least one british dude present to answer all the questions about American History.

Fonzin' it.

Taking you as low as you go...

My own stupidness led me to break the no-carb rule yesterday. Gah. Like a dummy, I took my full shot of insulin on Sunday night without even thinking that I'd be eating no carbs all day Monday. Needless to say, I got a little low.

I was actually fine until I started driving home from work. The low blood sugar mixed with the molten hot afternoon weather made for an interesting 10 minute drive home, to say the least. I got this weird dizzy highness that I've only felt one other time before, in an incident I like to call "The Dentist's Office, 1997." The ceiling tiles started dancing around and I freaked out and ripped the mask thing off my face and started mumbling some junk about not liking it and I swore off the gas forever! SuperNerd.

Luckily I didn't do anything stupid yesterday like crash or die. I found some LifeSavers in the center console and took care of business even though they were all chewy and melty and weird. Another victim of the Las Vegas heat, but at least they helped. I got home and had some juice and all was well again. Still...pretty stupid. Rookie mistake!

I cut my dosage in half last night so we'll see how today fares. I got my emergency hard candies crammed in the bottom of my purse now like a true elderly-lady-about-town. Whatevs...gots to do what we gots to do.

She Choppin' Broccoliiii...

Is Blogger still being crappy? I'm blogging at 8:18 in the AM so maybe you'll be able to see it by some time next week. You know, I left FreeWebs for this kinda faulty service, so please try harder, Blogger! Be a better representative of the great awesome amazing Google that made you. (swoon...I love you, googz!)

It's Day One of SUGAR DETOX. Sigh. I actually feel somewhat optimisitic, which is rare for me, so gimme a second to breathe it all in. Low-carb's not terrible. I mean, at least I can eat meat. And ceasar salads. I am a freaking dinosaur, all I need is meat, leaves and a promise of impending doom to keep me going. Trishceratops.

I wanna try to like, not let it be like the last time I did low (no) carbs. That weird diet of nothing all day then like...a side of beef for dinner. I wanna make sure I eat at least one salad a day and not have pickles be my only vegetable. I dunno how I did that shit for ten months without ever cheating once. So unlike me. Then I ate a peanut butter cup on Halloween and gained 40 pounds that hour. True story.

Some part of me thinks that doing Atkins again is like going back to an old boyfriend. Things were good at first. Then we both started to find small ways to cheat on each other that turned into major abuse until we finally just agreed to an amicable split. And I walked away with a promise to NEVER go back. BUT HERE I AM. Because I miss the way he made my ass smaller. And how I could walk without wanting to die. It's like you know that he'll do...for now...but you just don't see him as being the one in your life forever. Still better than getting fatter while I search for my Life Partner Diet though.

Anyway, in conclusion, here goes nothing.

P.S. My assistant manager at work always wears this freaking perfume that smells like cupcakes. I guess it's vanilla or some shit, but she puts SO much of it on and then walks all around the cubicles essentially turning this place into Charm City Cakes. Today, I can't decide if I want to kill her or eat her. I just wish she'd get a less appetizing perfume. Like eau de broccoli.

Ups and Downs....

What a day, what a day. At least it's Friday...and payday! Whew, needed that in a bad, bad way. Much like my food hoarding ways, I'm also a money hoarder. I have like 5 bank accounts with a tiny amount tucked away in each because I feel like I need that backup plan. Even though essentially it's the same amount of money as if I just kept it all in one account, I just can't stand the thought of having all my eggs in one basket. So I hide 40 bucks in all these accounts and I have Snickers bars tucked away in sock drawers and baskets of old mail. Seriously...mental problems.

Today is a weird day.

It's my brother's birthday...which is good. I LOVE MY BROTHER! Against my better judgement, I ended up getting him the Booty Doll Statue thing he wanted. All personal politics aside, it's what he wanted and it's his birthday so why the hell not? I usually have like a strict $50 budget for birthdays, but he's been working hard having to take care of my dad so I figured it was worth the splurge. I really appreciate him being so responsible about everything and not trying to shove it in my face or anything like SOME siblings tend to do. He's just a good dude like that.

It's also my neice's birthday...which sucks. She would have been 31 today...the same as me. She was like ALL ABOUT BIRTHDAYS so it's weird when this day comes and like...there's nothing. I called a local party store back home and ordered some balloons and my dad agreed to take them out to the cemetary today for her. It really just sucks...I miss her a lot and still think about her everyday. It's been just over a year so it's still a pretty fresh hurt and I still get that stinging about-to-cry feeling in my nose anytime I think about her too much...or at all. Sigh.

My sister sent out a text this morning that said "It's Crystal's birthday today. Keep her in your heart." We had a short nice text chat after that and it was probably the most I've spoken to her in like the last six months. The other one's still not speaking to me so at this point, I'll take what I can get. I'm slowly getting adjusted to the fact that my dream of having that Rockwell Christmas-type family is pretty much over. The fact that they're not all trying to murder each other will have to do for now.

On the diet front, I think I'm gonna have to go through some sort of no-carb detox for a week or two to try to curb these psycho cravings lately. I'm gonna buy some different groceries this week and start that on Monday. Not that I'm going all nutso in the meantime...but I've definitely been less than ideal.

Oh yeah, and due to a local drought, Jeff has forcibly decided to stop smoking pot for a month and see if he can live without it. He's SUPER irritable already and it's only day 2. Gonna be a long month. I'm proud of him for trying though, even though he kinda had no choice. But still...it'll be a real moneysaver if he can kick the habit. We can start doing extravagant things like going to see a movie or filling up the gas tank. HIGH ON THE HOG, SON!

Have a peachy weekend, pals.

Commence smackin'...

So that's how my diet is going. Not as bad as it could be, but it could definitely be better.

All hope is not lost.

Well...

I'm very 'not happy' with the results. So let's just leave it at that.

Moving on...

Ugh, I hate weight-related posts!

I'm having diet problems already. Everyday I check the scale and I'm up a little more from the day before. But I don't get it. Cause I'm really not eating much and I'm sure as heck not eating over my points. It's pretty frustrating and that teeny tiny voice of optimisim in my head is saying "Stop weighing everyday...maybe it'll be okay by Monday!" Then I tell her to shut the fuck up because this is some BS.

I'm worried that Monday's gonna roll around and I'm gonna see a not-so-pretty number and then wanna say fuck it. I'm already trying to run some damage control by buying lots and lots of healthy groceries. I got 20 bucks left in my account to last until payday (still a week away!) so maybe I won't eat junk since I can't afford it. Not that it ever stopped me before, but we'll see, I guess.

The truth is that I don't wanna give up. I can actually say that and mean it, for now. But I don't know why I talk myself into it so easily. I haven't really had that "urge" to eat lately. Forcing myself to eat is a concept that's totally foreign to me. I guess like...if it's not the stuff I want...I just don't want anything. Which I'm fine with. But if I'm eating so much less, why am I gaining weight every day?

And for what it's worth, I don't buy into the whole "starvation" thing. I'm definitely NOT starving. When I went to that diabetic class, the told me to eat 1700 calories a day for weight control. Then Weight Watchers puts me at like 2200 a day. If I do it the way my medical plan prescribes, I'm eating less, AND gaining. So what the fuck? Pissed.

I guess I'll try to find the happy medium and up it to 2000 next week if I'm pissed off about the results come Monday. I bought some raw almonds to compensate for the 200 calories. Other than that, I'm really not sure what to do. I'll give it another week, then maybe consider consulting with some experts if I'm not satisfied. More stupid doctors.

Blah blah calories. Who cares? Here's some boring pictures from work!

I bought a box of those 100-calorie packets of Swedish Fish cause sometimes I just need candy. While I am against the theory of a 100-calorie pack of anything because I think they're a giant rip-off, I had a store credit at Target, so there ya go. That being said, you get quite a few in that little bag so they last a while, which is good. I arranged them in a scenic portrait because I enjoy them more if I feel like I'm eating a living thing. (Suck on that, PETA.)

I decided to make it into a Welcome Back card for Amber because she's been out sick all week. i sacrificed two gummies so she'll know I really care.

I got a box of 120 crayons in my desk that I use for various weird shit when I get bored. I've had it for like going on 9 years. This is my favorite one in the box because I love the name. I can't bear to use it because it's my favorite and I want it to last forever:

I think we can all use a little more razzmatazz in our lives. Have a Razzmatazzy weekend, dudes.

Name-droppers.

So yeah, we went "swimming." Pfft. Some teacher that Jeff turned out to be. It's like...

"alright, do this..."
"(dunk) ACK I CANT DO THAT! HOW??"
"do it like this..."
"(sink) THIS SUCKS I DONT UNDERSTAND!!"
"well, I dunno...prolly should get you some lessons or something. I'm gonna go to the jacuzzi, it's cold."
"(silent hate.)"

That sucked! I dunno why I thought I would be able to learn in like one night. I came to the conclusion that I hate putting my head under water. It just feels like...impending doom. No sir, I don't like it.

Oh well, at least I tried, kinda. I stayed in the water for over an hour kicking my feet like a fatass toddler so I could at least get some form of exercise. I learned how to tread water, so that's good. I just panic when my toes can't touch the bottom so I'm still pretty useless in the water, but that's life for a panicky Tricia.

Hey, I got some mail today! I got Chuck back in the mail with a bitchin' necklace from Camevil! I'm not sure if it was supposed to be a choker, but it was a choker on me because of my extra fat neck. I can't really wear it yet unless I wanna die, but I'm hoping I'll be able to wear it and continue breathing soon. It's awesome, check it:

There's also pretty beads and stuff you can't see because of my neckfurters. I love it!

I also got a nice little card from Simone all the way from the UK! It was all cute and British. Thanks pal!

Minnie's cubicle o'balloons turned out to be an awesome ordeal all day. We kept refilling her cubicle everytime she left her desk. If you can't pester a 70 year old, who, I ask, can you pester?? She was a good sport and she really liked the GIANT pill case full of candy. She kept talking about how she could use it for her vitamins. If I see her ever using that thing for real, I'll prolly die laughing.

Balloons kick ass.

Especially this one.

In leiu of a giant hot fudge sundae, I ended up just having a scoop of vanilla with from fresh strawberries. I really haven't been eating all my points, and I'm up a pound, so maybe I need to eat more...I dunno. Feels wrong even saying that. But I go to bed with like 10-15 left every night. I'm gonna be pissed if I gain this week after thinking I'm kicking much ass. WE WILL SEE.

I tired...I go nite nite now.

OH WAIT, I got emailed by that same weird Dr that emailed Jack Sh*t about adding my blog to some HealthSpring website or some shit. I was all jazzed to be onboard, but then Jack said it was all a big scam and took a dump all up in my whole grain Cheerios (get your free sample here!). So either it's all crap, or Jack wants all the fame and attention for himself. It's hard to say with that guy sometimes...

Baby's black balloon makes her fly...

Man, no swimming today...LAME!

Since Minnie's actual birthday is tomorrow, I knew Laura wanted us to devise some kind of desk decor or something to celebrate that nosy little munchkin turning 70. So we went on our lunch break to go buy stuff and as it turns out, there are no decorations for 70th birthdays. I guess they figure once you get up that high, you don't want balloons and shit announcing it to the world cause all those themed decorations stop right at 60. Some BS if you ax me.

So we improvised. We decided to blow up 70 balloons and "fill" her cubicle. Only problem is...70 barely made a dent! I was all expecting some overflowing balloon pit and instead it was more like "what's all this shit on the floor? Oh, it's balloons." So we rummaged the storage closet and found all kinds of leftover balloons from party days gone by and got to work. It ended up taking 141. Well, that's all we had, so that's what it took. My mouth is all sore and rubber-tasting. So it's just like any other Tuesday nite, AMIRIGHT?? (yuck.)

Anyway, here's some pics of me and some workgirls (opposite of homegirls) getting this shit done:

Note to self: That shirt still doesn't fit. Don't wear it for another 30 pounds.

Two hours later (!!!) I was at Party City trying to find a funny Over the Hill gift that wouldn't make her cry. It's a sensitive subject, getting old. I mean, it's funny to laugh about someone being old when they're like...not that old. But turning 70 ain't no joke! I ended up finding this giant pill case and I filled it with different candies for each day of the week. I think I teetered the edge of humor and taste just fine, thanksverymuch.

Now that I'm finally home and all outta oxygen, I guess we're postponing swimming until tomorrow. Sucks, but it's already dark and there's monsters plus the pool might be haunted or something.

Jeff's diploma FINALLY came in the mail! YAY!

Aww so proud!

There were a few weeks there where we were biting our nails thinking "hmm, maybe you didn't really graduate??" But it turns out they just mailed it to our old address, whew! So now he has no excuse to not look for a better job and that makes me happy. I told him I wouldn't start nagging until the end of the summer though. ONE MORE MONTH! I do love me a good ol'-fashioned nag fest.

Tomorrow I gotta say no to ice cream sundaes at work. But that shouldn't be THAT hard. ...unless there's waffle bowls. :(

Bye dudes.

P.S. How 'bout that Bill Clinton, eh??? :)

People never answer their phones.

OH YEAH! One more thing...I'm an idiot.

I was driving home from Jeff's mom's house and I was feeling pretty happy and whatnot so when You Oughta Know came on the radio, I decided to call Dina and sing it as loud as I could since it's like her favorite song ever. Well, the voicemail came on so I decided to sing it anyway. Super loud and annoying-like. Then I hung up when the song ended.

Then I realized I didn't call Dina. I called Dr. Venkat, the name AFTER Dina in my phone. AWESOME. Here I am trying to convince her I'm depressed and I need Xanax to sleep and now she has a message of me singing (yelling) about Alanis Morrissette going down on a dude in a theater. That's awesome.

Thanks a lot, Dina. You bitch.

Beer me that noodle.

Mason got out of the hospital yesterday. I went to go visit him after work today and brought him some Get Well Soon balloons and a bunch of gummy candies I found at Party City. 15 for a buck, heck yes! He was back to his old weird self being cute and funny and it really cheered me up. Life goes on, you know? As far as he knows, nothing even happened except he woke up in a hospital and he got to play with some Bob the Builder Legos. High on his list of wants, FYI.

No one's exactly trying to jog his memory right now. That's fine by me.

As for the rest of the weekend, some less than mindful eating of Popchips did occur, but I weighed in this morning at 400.6 so I'm down a good 4.2 pounds in a week and that ain't bad, all things considered. My leg's still getting better slowly but surely as days go by. I just stretch it out a lot and remember the Cart of Motivation.

Work is getting stressful again. Okay by me because as long as they keep my ass busy, there's less chance they're gonna be letting me go. Sometimes I push these imaginary deadlines on myself because I hate having piles of shit on my desk. I also hate coming in the next morning knowing I have a pile of work to do from the day before. Shit stresses me out! Then I look up and see my grampa John Wayne telling me to chill, so I do. Until some old lady calls and bitches me out about her Social Security check. Ahhh, customer service, indeed.

Before the big drowning fiasco Saturday, there was actually a pretty cool birthday party for Leo. Here he is showing off his awesome mp3 player from the coolest almost-aunt ever, a.k.a. me. He picked it out, so I can only take credit for paying for it and filling it with Foo Fighters and Michael Jackson songs.

Tomorrow's my first swimming lesson. Jeff said he's been YouTube-ing some tricks of the trade to make it easier for me. Sometimes he's so cute. Wish me luck!

Today turned really fucked up really fast.

I never made it to Minnie's party. I was at Leo's party and everyone was sitting around talking one minute and it seems like the next minute, there was CPR and paramedics and just all kinds of badness going on.

Mason is 4 years old. He kinda knows how to swim, but not really. He was sitting on Jeff's sister's lap, then got up to go play with a little girl by the pool. How he got in the pool, we don't even know. I guess he just fell in, or got knocked in by a bunch of running kids or something. One of the older kids found him a few minutes later laying at the bottom of the pool. He pulled him out and his lips were blue and he wasn't breathing and he had no pulse. Jeff's mom took a picture of him at 4:38 and at 4:45, we placed the 911 call. In a matter of minutes, he managed to walk away and drown and we all sat there knowing nothing.

Jeff's brother in law jumped into action and started CPR and was able to get him back to some shallow breathing by the time the paramedics got there. Once they roughed him up and got him outta shock, he was just screaming his head off. All I could do was stand there bawling. Seeing a kid literally die, then be revived before your eyes isn't something you're ready for on a Saturday afternoon. I don't understand how like 15 responsible adults can just be sitting around and yet no one saw this happen. No part of it makes sense.

The paramedics gave us this technical explanation of what actually happens to a baby when they drown, but I didn't get it. This cop came in and sat everyone down and said "Make no mistake, he DID drown. You're lucky you got to him when you did because even a minute later may have been too late." Then he made us all give statements about what we saw happen.

I was already in a weird frame of mind after reading about sudden tragic passing of Jen's mom. Then this happened. And it's all just a giant reminder of how fragile life really is. You're here one minute and you're gone the next and sometimes you can't do anything about it.

We're lucky because as far as we know, Mason's going to be okay. There may be some long-term effects of the lack of oxygen that we don't know about, but I think we got to him in enough time to save him from anything too terrible. Sixty seconds later, who knows? It's a terrifying thought.

Things like this just cement how I already feel about letting go of grudges and letting the people you care about know how much you love them. I tried to call my sister but she still won't answer my calls. Sucks.

My mantra for today:

Two birthday parties in one day! Well, technically, one birthday party, one birthday/retirement party.

Jeff's nephew Leo is turning 8 so it's a BBQ/Pool Partyyyy. The plan is to stay away from the pita chips and that cream cheesey dip they always make. Stick to the veggies and the watermelon and leave leave leave before the cake! I already took that kid to get his gift and we took him to Chili's on Wednesday, so I don't feel bad abandoning the party before happy birthday time.

Then I gotta run home and change clothes for Minnie's birthday party. You may remember Minnie from the tell-all post I did on Dina's blog then later deleted thanks to Jack giving me paranoia. Anyway, she's the nosy old lady at work. She's been planning this party since like fucking February. They invited over 500 people! It's also her husband's retirement party. I gotta go even though I really kinda don't wanna because I know it'll be all annoying and filled with people I don't know and I have to dress up and 50 other reasons including avoiding yummy yummy carne asada and awesome multi-tiered cake. UGH.

Technically, I can have SOME cake. I mean, I get 44 points. So I can eat healthy crap all day or like...nothing but cake. NO...alright, just say no. Just say no. Just say no.