Cash Rules Everything Around Me...

It's kinda ironic that this plastic jar that used to hold a big ol' bunch of Jelly Belly's is now being used to hold the money for whoever can stay AWAY from Jelly Belly's...

My boss counted up all the loot and it ended up being $183.80. That's a good haul. It would have been way less, but people kept gaining weight and you had to pay in a dollar per every pound gained. One week a girl gained 7.6 pounds...so that proved well for the Jelly Belly jar.

Sure the real prize is supposed to be "health" and whatnot. But I will freely admit that nothing motivates me like cold, hard cash, baby.

In case you haven't figured it out, YES, I won! :) Super excited. I ended up losing 8% of my total body weight. I went from 400.0 to 368.2. I'm in the 360s! Skipping dinner last night was totally fucking worth it, because this feels so awesome. People are proud of me. I'm proud of myself. I know I can keep going.

I dunno what's up with that picture, but that's not the point. The point is...I.FREAKING.WON. A weight loss contest, dude!

I plan on having a "good" time in California this weekend. Hopefully I won't spend all my newly acquired cash moneys. But if I do, it's okay. Because it's mine, I earned it :)

I already found a good way to get rid of some of those pesky single dollar bills...

I hope you all have an awesome weekend. And thanks for rooting me on! You made me believe in myself! That hardly ever happens, and it makes me feel all warm and weird. I love you guys. I love the support. I love the high hopes you guys have for me.

Today, I'm happy :)

Oh my God, Becky...

Wow, guys! I'm way impressed with the amount of entries I got for the 300 Things Giveaway already! You guys rule at viral messaging! I saw my name on Twitter so many times today! I felt like Levi Johnson, minus the abs and plus some smarts. He's kinda dumb, I hear. On Twitter. I get all my news there, and from Gnu News. You know the line.

Anyway, keep entering cause I'm not doing the drawing until next Thursday (6/3/10) because that's close enough to payday that I'll actually be able to afford to send it out...woohoo!

So I'm REALLY excited because I'm leaving after work tomorrow on a short road trip to Ontario, California to go to Dave & Busters! One of my favorite places EVERRRRR! I'll be honest...I am a giant kid. You give me ten bucks in quarters and a skee-ball machine and you won't see me for a while. But I feel weird going to Chuck E Cheese with no kids! Sometimes I think I should just have a kid so people stop looking at me like I'm some pedophile just because I wanna play some damn air hockey!

But D&B is like grown-up Chuck E Cheese! It's so perfect! If only it wasn't so damn far away. It's like 4 hours, I think. I dunno cause I've never driven to California before, so that's another reason to be excited! I'm going with the trivia crew, so surely a druken blast is in store.

I'll be honest, the reason I'm most excited is because we're getting a hotel room and I'm HOPE HOPE HOPING that it has a big-ass bathtub in it! I love our apartment, but these bathtubs are TOO fucking tiny for life! I tried to use it once when my foot was broken, but it was like me and a thimble full of water and it was still overflowing. NO BUENO. So it's been like over a year since I've had a bath, and I want one, dammit! I used to love just laying there chilling for like hours and refilling the tub over and over again with hot water. Mmm, wastefulness. Look, this sounds bad, I DO SHOWER EVERY DAY. I have to, or else my hair looks like the current state of the Gulf of Mexico right now (so terrible...)

I just...want a bath. So...here's hoping it's not some tiny tub like the one I got now. And by tiny, I mean, "built for regular assholes who aren't me-sized." So yeah.

Also, I bought some jeans, but they don't really fit. But they're kinda cool looking so I bought them anyway. So I'm gonna wear them all night tonite in the hopes that they'll stretch a little and I won't freaking die having to be in a car for 4 hours without breathing. Well, like, they FIT...but it's not a good fit. It's like "okay, get the pliers, time to zip these bitches up!" but that's still better than wearing my Mom jeans with the steering-wheel-rub-spot on em.

One thing I do hate about jeans that don't fit is how they turn my stomach into a front-butt. Baby...got...front. I seriously have no ass. It sucks to be this fat and have small T&A! It's like the cruelest joke ever played on mankind and it's happening right here in my bra and panties. Shit is unfair! If I could learn how to walk backwards, I would have more luck because my backrolls can be pretty voluptuous and my front-butt is the stuff most rap songs are written about. No, not Courvoisier...booty, silly!

Oh well, they'll fit one day!

By this time tomorrow, I'll know if I won the contest at work or not. I sure hope I do! I've done all I can at this point. It's all up to the scale gods now. Unless they don't exist...in which case, I am probably SCREWED.

Hope you guys have a fun weekend!

300 THINGS!!!!!!!!111

Okay, so...finally got it together, dudes!

Here's the thing...it's almost summer, so I thought...SUMMER FUN PACK! In this giveaway, you'll find almost everything you need for a super fun day at the park, hiking, camping, whatever-ing. Like...outside. In the sun. That big round thing in the sky that isn't the moon or that weird baby head from The Teletubbies. (remember them?? OMG PURPLE IS GAY!)

Anywho, here's the rundown of 300 THINGS: The Giveaway!

1 Copy of 300...because I never miss a chance to be cliche. And also because muscles and whatnot if you're into that kinda thing.

1 FUCKING RAD COOLER/BACKPACK! This thing rules! It holds like a dozen cans (bottles?) in the bottom and the top is all insulated too, and it's got like, backpack straps on it so it's way easy to carry. I kinda wanna keep it...

1 Copy of Hungry Girl 1-2-3...the newest book from the queen of diet cheats.

20 dollars on this Target Gift Card! To be used exclusively for awesome summer gear, got it??
1 Reusable Target Bag...save the environment!

1 - CUTE Ceramic Blade Peeler - because it's prime time for fruits and veggies, guys.

175 - Water Bombs...yeah, I realize this might seem like a shitty filler, but check it: You need to spend more time with your kids, and you guys are my first priority. I did this for your own good. Plus, running from water balloons burns like, a shitload of calories.
1 - Inflatable Beach Ball

Alright...
1 - Package of Wet Ones, because outside is dirty.
1 - Toy Story Ice Pack in case you fall down.
16 Piece First Aid Kit because you are sometimes clumsy and shit happens.
7 Piece Sun Relief Kit because you think you're too cool for sunscreen.
1 - Emergency Blanket! In case you get lost in the woods and need to sleep in a tree. I don't want you to catch a cold! Also, astronauts use these so that makes it awesome. Like freeze-dried ice cream!

1 - Burt's Bees Lip Balm so you can mind your own beeswax and also not have crackhead lips.
1 - Rad summer-inspired nail polish because your toes are looking OUTTA SEASON.

4 - Hot Dog Holders (mind outta the gutter, kids.)
4 - Corn on the Cob holders (seriously, act your age.)

1 - Coppertone Sport SPF 50 Sunscreen - THE MOST IMPORTANT THING HERE...Skin cancer, don't play that game.

1 - Awesome insulated cup thingy that an ice thingy in it to keep it cool, baby.
10 - packets Crystal Light Fruit Punch
10 - packets Lipton Energize Tea To Go (for energy!)
7 - Crystal Light Pure Fitness Grape packets (These are new...you'll want to try them!)

5 - Fiber One Bars (I know the box says six, but Jeff's a dick.)
7 - Emerald Nuts 100 Cal Pack - Almonds & Walnuts
7 - Emerald Nuts 100 Cal Pack - Cocoa Roast Almonds

2 - packs of fruity summery gums
1 - tin of Altoids cause your breath be kickin'
12 - CRAZY straws...for the kids...and for you, because they're awesome. Also, I dunno what happened to the real picture, cause I know I took one, but...this is how they look, k?

_________

300 THINGS!

NOW...you wanna win all this shit, right? Of course you do, it's awesome. AND, since I was able to squish it all into a Flat Rate box (Woohoo!), that means EVERYONE can enter! Even you Canadians and British and whatnot.

So in order to enter, first off, you have to be a follower! I know this might be greedy, but if I'm gonna be sending you a big ol' box-o-crap, I want you to at least be someone who reads my damn blog. So if you're not a follower, do that first.

THEN...

1. Leave me a comment. About anything! Well, about something. I mean, don't just be all "comment" and expect that shit to fly! Tell me something cool.
2. Follow me on Twitter! @fightfatphobia (and let me know via comment, por favor)
3. Link to this post and invite your pals. (Then comment AGAIN to tell me you linked so you get counted again!)
4. Post a 30-second video talking about how awesome I am. (5 entries!)

IF you linked to me already to help me get up to 300, please leave a comment on THIS post reminding me, so I can give you an extra entry, as promised. :) AND THANKS, you rule...seriously, you're the best...around...nothin's gonna ever keep you down.

Once again, thanks so much for following my blog and reading my whines and antics on a semi-daily basis. It means SO much to me! Hearts and flowers, guys!

Good luck!

You shoot me in a dream, you better wake up and apologize.

I am happy to report that despite my whines about missing "Party Tricia", I did lose 5 pounds this week. I'm at 373.2 now. The last weigh-in is Friday since Monday is a holiday. I thought for sure that losing that 5 would put me in a nice cushy place moving into Friday, but apparently that other ho did well too. She only weighs like 150 so she can lose like 4 ounces and still beat me. Hate!

I'm actually ahead, but only by 1/10th of a percent. OH STRESS. I don't like photo finishes! Stressing out about winning is giving me IBS. Alls I know is I'm being super strict all week and hoping for the best. And if in the end, she wins...I'll just congratulate her then spend the rest of my life secretly hating her from afar. And should she awaken to a horse head in her bed one day, well...you guys didn't hear shit, and you don't know shit. GOT IT??

So in true nerd form, I ended up buying too many dang things for the giveaway. Here I am sweating thinking there's no way it could be 300 things, and it's like way over! I'll cut out some of the lamer shit (although a lot of it is pretty lame...) in an effort to make it all fit in one of those flat-rate boxes because I fucking haaaaaaaate having to go into the post office with the fiery passion of a million suns!! The greatest day of my life was the day I learned you could pay and print labels to mail shit online. OH GLORY BE! Eff you, slow ass postal workers and old ladies in line trying to tell me about Jesus and "the coloreds" <---yes, that happened.

I 'll be posting about it in the next couple days. I woulda done it today but I went to take pictures and the camera battery was dead. I charged it for like ten minutes and looked to see what was on there and there was like 500 pictures of the stupid cat. Jeff must have been really high that day. Or every day. It was like...the cat and his hand. Then the cat and the fan. Then the cat and a can of Pringles. If we were still in the dark ages where people had to use film, I would be WAY pissed. But since we're not, I just shake my head and wonder how this is my life.

But, I can't lie...I have my fun with him sometimes too... So anyway, the giveaway, I promise...soon.

Wouldn't it be funny if there was no giveaway at all and I just kept saying there was to make you guys come back and check my blog everyday for your chance at free shit?? HO HO HO what a caper I pulled on you guys!

Just kidding, there is one.

...or is there??

Oh, there is? Oh, okay.

Hey, speaking of free stuff, I WON SOMETHING! That is super rare! It's this rad metal sign to give to this hippie friend that I disapprove of for his birthday. OH and I just found out today that his girlfriend is PREGNANT. Thus securing at least one more generation of people wearing Birkenstocks...blech.

Thanks to my buddy POD (secret name because internet people are scary?) from the very funny blog Thufferin' Thuccotash! If you don't already read her blog, I suggest you high-tail it over there because it is hilarious and awesome. And you know I don't just throw the word hilarious around, unless I'm talking about me, so it must be pretty comical.

Not have your cake and not eat it too.

I gotta say, I'm getting a little tired of going to parties and only drinking water. Last night I went to Jeff's Mom's birthday party and it was full of awesomeness and I didn't have any of it. On one hand, I feel semi-proud of myself, because it feels nice to have that much control over what is most obviously a serious and lifelong addiction.

But on the other hand, I feel bitter. Bitter that these regular-sized people surrounding me can eat and drink what they choose and then be done with it. They don't have to count calories or carbs or anything else. They just get food, and eat it, then go on with their business. It's frustrating.

It's a weird conundrum being on low-carb. There's a cake, and I want it. Like, I want it a lot. But I don't feel this overpowering urge to have it. I can want things and not cave, but I'm not happy about it.

...and I feel like I should be! I feel like I should be overjoyed that I am taming this fucking monster that lives inside my brain. But instead, I'm just like, pissed at the monster. In theory, I'd love to say "no thanks, I don't want that" but instead it's more like "no thanks, I CAN'T have that." (sadface.)

So I'm trying to decide if I need to have a little slack. Will I be able to reign it back in? If I stay so super strict, will I burn out and quit altogether? What's the right answer here?

I know this is a weight loss blog, but I do so hate talking about dieting. I cringe when people ask me about it in public. The 'D' word. I feel so self-conscious when people know I'm dieting. I always feel like they're thinking either "it's about time, fatty." or "wow, what's the point?" It sucks. It's probably all in my head. Lots of things are. Stupid annoying brain always trying to bring me down.

Anyway, I think I've finally hunted and gathered enough things for my giveaway, so I'll be posting that thing soon. I'm sick of these depressing posts! I blame the cake.

When it comes to huge openings, a lot of people think of me.

It was a good Friday night. I got to go see a live performance of Hedwig and the Angry Inch. I won't lie and say it's something EVERYONE will love, but personally, I thought it was one of the greatest things I've ever seen.

It incorporates three things I really love in a show: drag queens, fucking kick-ass original songs and a lot of blow job jokes. Though if I'm being literal, Hedwig the character isn't a drag queen so much as a transgender who had a very bad surgical experience, thus creating the "angry inch." If you haven't seen the movie, I would say see it. Because it fucking rules.

And if ever you get the chance to see the live rock kick-ass show, do that too. My heart was totally full.

Wish I had gotten some better pictures DURING the show, but it felt super rude to take pics while that dude's up there like...kicking ass. So I just got these lame ones of the program and the stage before the show started.


THEN...I get home and log into Blogger to find that HELLO WE ARE AT 301! Dude, that was SO fast! I am thoroughly impressed and humbled, my friends. That was like 11 people in one day!

I dunno how it happened, but it rules, seriously. I say rules a lot now. But only because I mean it.

Rest assured I will be spending the rest of the weekend trying to put together my Project 300 giveaway! It WILL be 300 things, even if like 295 of them are like something lame. Word is bond!

Love love love...goodnite.

Hey, it's my 200th blog post!

My blog, by the numbers.

Math nerds Unite!

200 = the number of posts I've had so far, including this here one.
10 = number of followers needed to reach my goal of 300!
78 = number of pounds needed to reach my first weight goal of 300! (eek.)
4 = number of items I've bought so far towards my 300 Things giveaway.
1 = number of successful (?) attempts to bring my blog into the NOW. (i.e. video/audio)
4 = number of unsuccessful attempts to bring my blog into the NOW. (i.e. video/audio)
4 = number of bottles of CheriBundi Cherry Juice in my fridge untouched due to carbs.
14 = average number of carbs I eat a day, so far this week.
268 = average number of times I use the word "like" per blog post.
344 = average number of page loads for my blog per day for May so far. (that's pretty good!)
423 = number of ounces I pooed after Jack Shit made me drink vomit juice.
0 = number of ounces I had lost the next day, according to work scale. (thanks for nothing!)
290 = number of awesome people that make this blog worth having.
1,000,000 = number of thanks for making me a part of your day and sharing your good times and bad times with me.

You guys rule. I'll try to use "like" less for the next 200.

I said try, no promises.

Have an awesome weekend!

I'm going to see a live version of the movie Hedwig and the Angry Inch. I hope I fit in the seats and I hope it's as great as it seems like it will be in my head. I'll tell you guys all about it some day...when you're older :)

Computer geeks have ruined the word Fail.

So...I tried to make an audio file since the video file went down in history as the most pointless waste of two days of my life ever invented. But I dunno if this works either. It's only a minute long, so I guess...lemme know if it works?

Also, if you know a smarter less-tricia-like way to do this, please let me know. Because I feel super useless when it comes to computer business right now.

Click here to be blow away by my astute nature.

I think you have to download it? Forgive me, I am a dumb.

ZOMG!

DUDES! Something magical happened today! I got this in my email inbox at work:

WHOA WTF! I dunno how it happened, but we are tied! I'm tied for FIRST! Actually, I know exactly how it happened. She gained a little (thanks to whoever pulled off that little piece of voodoo!) and I lost a little. Like one of those awesome math problems when they're like Train A leaves a station at blah blah and Train B leaves a station at yadda yadda and...you know those kind, right? It's math, guys. WE ARE TIED!

Oh, and it turns out we've got two more weigh-ins left...not one, which I originally thought. Okay, so PLAN OF ACTION: don't fuck up...just don't.

It was awesome because the email went out and like ten people emailed me all like "DUDE YOU HAVE TO KICK HER ASS!" So not only am I TIED, but god, people fucking love underdog stories! And in this situation, the underdog is me! People love me! Feels weird...I sure hope I don't let them down.

Eye of the tiger, bitches!

Very Important Things Worth Mentioning...

*If you were a fan of DINA's old blog, you should know she's got a new blog. It's all secret-private-whatever, so leave a comment on her old blog if you want her to add you. If you don't know who she is, she's my BFF and she's pretty great when she's not being a whore, so join in the fun!

*As the Biggest Loser Challenge winds down at work (only one week left!), I'm on the search for a new challenge to keep me motivated. Since nothing keeps me motivated as well as CASH MONEY son, I'm joining Katy's Virtual Biggest Loser Challenge. You can click HERE for all the details, but basically you can join in for 10 bucks and it goes for 3 months with weekly weigh-ins. You should join. It's only 10 bucks, you cheap commie bastid. Plus, you could win money! Like, for real money.

*My favorite sale of the summer is THIS Saturday and I can't even partake! One my most favoritest things about summer is FLIP FLOPS IN ALL COLORS OF THE RAINBOW! But now I can't wear the cheap ones cause of my stupid Frankenfoot. And this Saturday at Old Navy, they're only ONE DOLLAR per pair! (that goes for dude sizes too...) You could get one of every color for like ten bucks and your life would be full of lollipops and sunshine all summer long and I'll just have to wear my boring ol' sneakers like some turd. SUCKS! Still, even though I'm sad doesn't mean you jerks shouldn't get to have fun. I'm just jealous. Plus, I hate missing out on sales! Nevermind, I hate you guys with your colorful feet. Get outta my face!

I hate everyone with no metal in their foot right now.

*Jack Shit told me to drink Magnesium Citrate to poo, and I did, and it was the weirdest day of my life so far. And I've had a lot of weird days. Also, I got the grape kind because I am a baby and it tasted like Diet Grape Shasta with a bunch of salt poured into it. I guess I'm saying...don't ever listen to Jack unless you wanna spend the day in the bathroom reliving the plot to Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

I don't know where to go from there, so I'll just go. Love.

Being 400 Pounds - Episode 2: Fear.

At my friend Angel's house, where we had the Girls' Night thing, there's something I'm very afraid of. Wanna see what it is?
Yeah, it's her fucking weird ass sliding glass door. That little segment of open-ness is all the room allowed to shimmy my big ass in or out of her house. I really DON'T fit. It sucks and it's embarrassing. I try to push myself out there while hopefully no one's looking. Finally getting through is a big relief! Then those fuckers wanna take the party back inside. AH FUCK. Again, wait for the prefect opportunity to squeeze the biscuits outta the can. Fuck that door, man. It ruins my night.

I never thought I would see the day where I could realistically say "Yo, I can't fit through your back door." Again, I say to you all, fuck that door.

Here are some things I'm not afraid of:
bats
snakes
airplanes
heights
Bigfoot (seems like an okay dude)
Vampires (the emo ones and the just regular ones...)
bloody gory movies

Here are some things I AM afraid of:
plastic lawn chairs
airplane seats
movie theater seats
turnstiles
booths
roller coasters
seat belts
all other belts
bar stools
high heels
cheap plastic toilet seats
school desks
raw chicken

Being 400 pounds means not fitting. Not fitting in, literally. Not fitting in, metaphorically.

It means having to wait longer at a restaurant for a table to open up so you don't have to try to squeeze all your junk into a booth and have a waiter look at you like he just handed you a cancer diagnosis as opposed to a menu.

It means going to a party and standing around for 6 hours because you're too worried about dealing with the shame of breaking a(nother) plastic lawn chair.

It means going to amusement parks and being the designated purse-holder because there's no way you can fit in any of the roller coasters. Essentially it means you spent 60 bucks to stand out in the hot summer sun and watch other people have a good time while you're dripping sweat into a stuffed Panda Bear the size of Jupiter that some dude won for a girl that isn't you.

It means having to deal with the anxiety of not knowing ahead of time if you'll fit in the seats at any given movie, concert, play, etc. Are you paying $100 to see a band you love or to be embarrassed in front of a group of strangers and ruining what should have been a great night? No way to tell.

It means quitting college and being too afraid to go back because you don't fit in those fucking desks. That one hurts more than I'd like to admit.

It means it sucks. I just wanna fit.

One more week to lose 50 pounds! And a new feature...

Alright, well I lost 2.4. That's not too bad, but it's sure not gonna put me in first place. I did pretty awesome all week, but I'm sure there are factors that led to the unimpressive loss. First off, I haven't pooped in a week. That may be TMI but this here is MY blog and I won't be censored! Darn it. Also, PMS. I thought it was a couple weeks ago because I was so moody, but it turns out I was just being a bitch for no good reason. THIS TIME IT'S REAL THOUGH!

My boss was all "2.4, that's great!" and she prolly thinks I'm being a real whiny asshole about the whole thing when like, at least I'm still losing. And really, it's not a bad loss. I'm just expecting too much from a body that I have put through absolute torture for the past 30 years. I act right for 3 weeks and I'm pissed that my body is like "hold the fuck up, bitch!" I am being a spoiled baby.

I do need that money though...

I will say that getting into the 370s actually did put a smile on my face when I first saw it. It's been over 18 months. I lost and gained essentially the same 15 pounds over and over again, and I feel like I've crossed a small hill that I was having a hard time getting over. I am proud of myself for sticking to it and being so in control. That is HARD for me to say. I can't expect most people to understand how I truly feel about myself, so for me to give myself a compliment without a sarcastic overtone is a BIG step. So in the midst of my bitching and moaning, there's progress.

I wanna change the subject now and move into a new feature of my blog called Being 400 Pounds. I never want to be 400 pounds again. The time I spent there was full of shame and embarrassment. And even though losing 22 pounds isn't some gigantic accomplishment, I do feel like I'm firmly OUT of the 400s and I wanna stay that way. If these serve as nothing but a reminder to myself to put down the fucking Twix bar one day, then they're worth the embarrassment.

At 400 pounds, I own one pair of jeans that fit. One. I had to buy them from a catalog and I had no clue what my size was. My weird body shape of like all-stomach makes pants nearly impossible to find. I guess clothing companies think that anyone with a stomach as big as mine must have tree-trunks for legs, because any pair I found that actually fit my waist were like crazy clown pants in the legs department.

I finally broke down and went to have a pair altered. It was expensive, but they fit. It wasn't flattering or sexy or comfortable, but they DID fit. At 28 years of age, it was my first pair of jeans. My only pair. Still my only pair, to this day, 4 years later. Needless to say, they're getting a little worn. Especially in one spot:
Yeah, in case you're wondering, that's where my steering wheel rubs against my belly. Too fat for jeans, too fat for my car. It's rubbing less these days, almost not at all. But the damage to these jeans is done.

Do you know what it's like to be too fat for a fucking car?? I put off getting my license for over a decade because I didn't fit comfortably in any car I tried. Eventually I just dealt with the "rub." I can't wait for these days to be over. Seriously.

So...I need new jeans. The process starts again. Kill me...

Triple Word Score!

Girls' Night turned out to be no big deal. I'm still glad I let them know ahead of time that I was gonna be on my best behavior, although it sure didn't stop anyone from bringing the most sugary bullshit ever invented. It actually wasn't THAT hard to say no...even in the morning when everyone was hungover and eating fresh do-nuts all up in my face. And to be honest, by that time, I was pretty fucking hungry since I had dinner at like 5 the previous day like some elderly person at Kountry Kitchen Buffet. Thank goodness Angel has a diabetic son and that house never out of sunflower seeds. Whew.

One clear advantage to not drinking was that beating everyone at Scrabble was super easy. Behold...the Scrabble Queen!
Although, and I'm not trying to be cocky here, but I'm pretty sure I could have beat them drunk too. I'm just pretty decent at board games. It's like my life's calling.

In honor of the Scrabble Tournament, one lady made letter-shaped chocolates. Seeing as how I am a dork to the Nth degree and I get super excited finding my name on anything, I HAD to do this:
I didn't eat the chocolates when I was done though. I was gonna just throw them out since I'd been handling them but I forgot drunk people will eat anything and they especially love when you throw stuff at them to catch in their mouth. Like seals! Good times ensued.

All in all, I'd say it was a pretty great night. I realize that I can't expect people to change their fun just to satiate my "diet-of-the-month." I was able to have fun without the guilt and it feels pretty awesome. Also, I drank about a gallon of water. Turns out that trick does kinda work.

After about 3 hours of trying to figure out the self-timer, we were finally able to get a group pic:

I told everyone to throw up their "I'm-gonna-cut-this-bitch" face, and this is what we got. I dunno what the hell half of them were doing, but I guess not everyone cuts the same, you know?

Weigh-In today, and I sure hope the scale has some love for me considering how well I did all week. I had a pretty big loss last week, so my hopes aren't super high, but I would LOVE LOVE LOVE a good loss to get me back in first place with only ONE more week to go! We'll see what happens.

Hope you all had a good weekend! <3

Make-believe we never needed anymore than this...

Here's a silly question...how to heck do you Unfollow people on this thingamajig? I tried to add a bunch of new blogs to my Reader yesterday and it said I was maxed out at 300. Kinda like my Target card, but with less hassling phone calls. One time this dude was like "well, I see you're still able to pay your phone bill, don't you think Target deserves some of that money?" I almost wanted to give him ten bucks just for using such trickery! Instead I just hung up, then blogged about it. Anyway, yeah, how do I unfollow? There's lots of dead blogs on there and I need to make room for some fresh meat. Help me!

So tonite is Girl's Night Redux. You may remember the last Girls' Night, which was filled with alcohol and bad decisions. I need to NOT let that happen tonight. My buddy Clyde suggested maybe skipping this one for the greater good. But, I dunno. That would make me feel like dieting is getting in the way of my life, and I don't want that feeling. However, I do plan on being downright saintly when it comes to the grub tonight. There were four cakes at work yesterday and not even a drop of icing passed through these lips, so tonite I will give the fondue pot the proverbial Fuck You and come back Sunday to say how awesome it felt to be in control. All I gotta do is say no. I can do it.

To make it easier on myself, I forewarned Angel that I wouldn't be participating in the debauchery.
She was okay with it. Oh yeah, that's my FaceBook if any of you guys or gals wanna add me. I'm pretty awesome, so you might as well.

Hey, as long as I'm here, let's answer a question! Still no video upload. I set it to upload this morning before work and when I got home, it was still loading. It's just effed, you know? I'm still working on it. Jeff said he would set up my computer for audio recording while I was at work and I come home and this is what was on my desk:

Haha, look at that fuckin' thing! It makes me wanna fill my apartment with some tiny Asians drinking Remy Red and belt out some Journey ON THE REAL. Open Arms like a mofo. I thought it was gonna be like a dang headset with a mic attachment! Not some cheesy lounge singer clang-clang-clang-went-the-trolly microphone. I'll still use it, I guess. But I gotta wait until he goes to work cause I don't want him to be all "you have a blog, huh what?" NO! God.

Oh yeah, a question! Katie J submitted a 5-parter!

Katie J said...

What is your favorite form of exercise?
What is your favorite color?
What is your favorite musical group?
Have you ever considered surgery to lose weight?
What is your favorite part of your body?

a) Running...away from exercise. teehee. I dunno, I guess like pool-type stuff. Now if only someone would hurry up and fill their pool!
b) RED! Always. Forever.
c) Foo Fighters.
d) YES! I consider it all the time. Like, always. I've been to the seminars. Sadly, my insurance at work does NOT cover it. Well, not only do they not cover it, but there's an actual EXCLUSION so there's like, no way around it. Knowing what I know, the dangers and how my niece died from complications, I would still do it. If I could.
e) Bleh. I hate all my 2000 parts! I know I have a lot of weird self-esteem issues, but self-esteem can only get you so far! I guess if I had to choose, I would say my brain. It may be lazy and not know a lot about history, but it's pretty good at math and multi-tasking!

More later! Have a great weekend, guys!

Might wanna grab a snack for this one...

Alright guys, we gotta lotta ground to cover today so let's get to work:

First thing's first: DUDES...Project 300 is kicking a lot of effing ass right now! We're halfway there! We're at 275/300 followers. That's 25 new people in like a WEEK! AWE-SOME! What word is better than awesome? Find out what it is and let me know so I can call this that. I am happy.

NEXT: Thanks for all the questions! I'll get to work on them right away! I might even include a few in this very blog post. If you're lucky, that is...

MOVING ON: I fulfilled a life-long dream of mine today when I went to Party City and finally, after over a decade of searching, found confetti shaped like my name! Oh god, so awesome. Check it!
I'll prolly end up cutting off the first PA, because it makes my name sound too formal. And you guys know I'm all about the party. My name is the mullet of names. At work, I'm all "Oh yes, this is Patricia, I'm happy to help you. Please, feel free to yell at me, it's what I get paid for." then 5:00 rolls around and I rip off that PA all "woooooooo, eff you, bank! Tricia rules!" and run out of the building shooting off some mad middle fingers and speed off in my sweet sweet El Camino (the mullet of cars) leaving some hardcore skids in the parking lot on my way out the gate.

Well, I don't have an El Camino, but that shit would be extra sweet if I did. And secretly, I have always dreamed of owning one. With a foot-shaped gas pedal. REDNECK ROOTS. Sigh.

ALRIGHT, LETS KEEP IT GOIN: So this lady Frances at work emailed me today and was all "hey girl, I brought you a souvenir from my cruise! Come get it." and I was all "hot dog!" thinking it was gonna be some cool Carribean Rum or like...I dunno, some Samoan hottie or something. It was this:
Don't get me wrong! I do enjoy having a cool-cat president, and I'm all for Obama. (Sorry Repubz...) But why would you go on a Carribean Cruise and bring someone back a dang Obama keychain?? Then I was like "Oh...what island did you get this from?" and she's all "no, I got it in the Las Vegas airport!" Las Vegas, as in, like, the town that we live in! She's so great, and I love her, but sometimes, she's a little out there.

When she went to Hawaii LAST MONTH (seriously, wtf vacations?), she brought me back this shell necklace and I swear to god, the shells are arranged in such a way that it looks like a string of sets of balls. Like for real balls, nads, nuts, whatever you call them. Crap, now I gotta take a picture of those. I'll do that tomorrow!

Anyway, so like, the keychain is solid as hell. I'm pretty sure I could knock out any would-be attackers if I just threw my keys at them. So I put it on my keyring today and I put my keys in my pocket to go home (eff purses!) and they were like making my pants drag! NSV(?)! I was holding them up like a nerd just trying to get outta the building and make it to my car without any repeats of my pants-on-the-ground episode from the first week I started work all those years ago. I don't think I'm ready for smaller pants yet, but at least progress is being made! w00t!

This is a long ass post, huh??
NEXT UP ON THE AGENDA: My home-slice 411 Gurl made a collage the other day as part of a SparkPeople challenge showing her vision of what she wants her life to be like in the not-so-distant future. Since we're partners in Losin' the Chunk, she asked me to do the same. So I did this in my spare time at work today:
It's not as rockin' as hers, cause sadly I only had like a Weight Watchers magazine from like 2006 and a magazine called ISLANDS that I stare at about twice a week when I truly truly hate my job/life. It helps! Island livin, that shit is for me. You should make your own too! Then we'll make a collage of collages and the internet will fucking implode. Sometimes shit is just too powerful, you know? It's just a damn series of tubes, what do you people want??

LAST THING'S LAST! I tried to do a dang video blog to answer some questions. I like set up my camera in the bathroom and went to town on that list! But...it won't effin load. Maybe it's too long? I guess I'll try it again tomorrow so you guys can be stunned by my ugliness and awesome question-answering skillz and over-use of hand gestures.

I'll just answer a few here in boring ol' regular typing to try to make up for it.

SO...
Wishing on a star said... What are the top 3 things on your bucket list?

I guess I'd have to say...
a) skydiving, because it looks so rad and I haven't shit my pants in quite a while...
b) Going to Ireland...because it looks so rad and I haven't shi....hey, wait a minute. Mostly because I hear it's awesome and I never really go anywhere awesome, plus pots of gold, obv.
c) BLOGGER MEETUP! One day it will happen.


Chai Latté said... Would you rather.... Have a big ol' penis in place of a nose or Have a nose in place of a vajeez Also.. what is your middle name?

If I'm being honest, I don't use my vagina much except for peeing these days, and I assume the nose would have some sort of nostril/pee accessibility? However, the monthly 3-day nosebleed would probably be too much for me. As for my nose, it's pointy and weird...Dina calls it The Bob Hope. So I guess a penis, a big ol' one even, might not be so bad of a replacement. Plus, I've always wanted to know what it was like to have a donger for a day or two, but I never thought about it being a part of my face before. If it does ever happen, I hope it's around Halloween time so I can craft an extremely detailed Gonzo costume. I think I artfully dodged really answering this question.

Also...it's Ann. Real original, Mom!

One more...

Camevil said... Being in Vegas, does it matter that it's a "dry heat" if it's still fucking hot?

Alright, "dry heat" is a fucking myth. If you're fat, it doesn't matter what kinda heat it is, you will sweat...a lot. Plus, people underestimate the sun when you live in a place like this. It's like this fucking overbearing warlord watching over you every minute of the day to make sure you're not caught trying to have some fun. It's such an oppressive force! Seriously, people don't get it. "Dry heat" is a term made up by southerners who wanna win some imaginary "it's hot here" contest.

That being said, I'm from Texas and the summers suck shit there too. So I guess I would just say, any heat is hot and it sucks, especially for a fat.

Alright, chaps. It's been fun. See ya later!

Show #2 who's boss!

You know, I think I'm pretty open about myself on this blog. Maybe MORE open than I need to be, since I'm sure you've all read some things here and thought "well, I coulda lived my whole life without ever needing to know about THAT shit..." You know about my crappy relationship, my crappy family, my semi-crappy job and I make no qualms about how I feel about myself on here.

But...maybe there's stuff you don't know, and maybe you WANNA know...ya know?

Now is your chance! I've seen lots of people doing this on their blogs recently, plus I think it's a good way to kill a blog post since some days I feel way uninspired (like today?...)

So go ahead, ask me anything you want. Feel free to ask anonymously if you're too much of a puss to say what's really on your mind. Not that I'm judging you...

Leave me a comment and I'll start working on it lickedy-split! It doesn't have to be ALL SERIOUS...you know I like to keep shit light. But I won't mind answering the deep shit if that's what you cats want. I aim to please.

Alright, do it. Bye bye.

Oh yeah, and if no one does it, I'll assume you guys hate me and jump off a bridge. But, no pressure.

P.S. The Morm in the cubicle next to me is drinking a Rock Star Lemonade Energy Drink today and he won't shut up about how great it is. Every time he takes a drink, he lets out this sensual sigh like the can's over there giving him a BEEJ under his desk and maybe he thinks we don't hear it, but I am fucking dying. Dying...for real. I hate holding in a laugh because my face gets all red and my eyes get all watery and I get like a weird chill in my boob-type area (dunno what that's aboooot.) Anyway, it just dawned on me that as I sit here laughing at him getting his energy drink oral sex, I wonder if anyone's laughing at me looking like a newborn trying to fight out a turd. This is my day, so far.

I'd probably end up breaking my hand anyway.

Sometimes when it's like 11:31 at night and I'm chewing on the hulls of sunflower seeds to keep from over-eating and Jeff walks up to me and unwraps a Hostess cupcake like 3 inches from my face and shoves the whole thing into his fat greedy mouth, I have visions of just punching him square in the jaw just to see what he'd say.

He'd probably say ouch and ask me what the fuck is wrong with me.

And I would just stand there stunned because I've never punched anyone before...especially in the face!

Today was the first day in two weeks that I've had an actual honest-to-goodness craving. And he ate it right in front of my face.

Not on purpose. He's just inconsiderate like that. I realize I'm dieting and you're not and you pay half the rent, so you can eat a fucking cupcake anywhere you want. But keep it the fuck outta my face. It's just common decency.

I'm overreacting. But I'm in a pretty pissy mood. So...this too, shall pass.

Canada: A Love Story

I'm not...but probably at least four times a week, I wish I was.

Also:

When it hurts so bad, why's it feel so goooood?

So I was down 5.8 today, taking me to an ALMOST even 380.2. This pleases the Tricia.

As far as the challenge goes, I'm back in it, baby! I'm now down 5.0% to her 5.7%. I feel like I can totally kick ass for the next two weeks and take it if I just try really hard and don't fuck up...like, ever. I CAN DO THIS!

And before Jack Sh*t chimes in, I'm NOT abandoning the diet after the challenge. I'm simply saying, it would be a real morale boost for me to actually pull out the win. Not to mention the fact that I need those moneys! So...slow and steady, stay the course, blah blah blah, don't eat cake.

This coming up Saturday is another dang Girl's Nite though. It's good and bad. I really do enjoy getting together with this group of hoez and playing dirty Pictionary and watching them get drunk and fall down, but gah, the temptation of it all! Karen and her damn traveling fondue pot! (and it's fresh chocolate every time, so that handy trick you guys gave me last time about thinking the chocolate was contaminated is NULL...as if contamination would ever be enough to keep me away from chocolate anyway...silly readers!)

I was trying to think of maybe some low-carb dish I could take, then pondering a few low-carb cocktails. BUT I KNOW ME! Get a couple shots of random liquor in me and there goes the ol' resolve. Oh sure, I'll START by eating sensibly. My diet-y food, then a rum and diet coke. Four hours later, I'm fisting a bowl of molten chocolate with reckless abandon. (your mental image - check it.)

I don't even like to drink.

All this damn peer pressure!

I thought about emailing a "I'M NOT COMING IF YOU GUYS ARE GONNA FORCE ME TO WRECK MY DIET!" letter to all involved parties, but that just seems...yuck. I don't wanna be THAT person. Plus, ultimately, I'm a grown-ass woman, and if I say no, it means no. Now...I just gotta practice saying it. Then say it when it counts!

I did turn down roasted potatoes AND cake at the Mother's Day thing. So...that's something. It means I actually CAN say no. Well...if I'm being honest, I just left right at cake time. Driving home feeling like some scorned ex-lover. I'd rather leave the party than see my Love having fun with a bunch of young hussies! This shit...it's serious.

Time to go eat some meat. Change the record, eh?

PWNing n00bz.

I recently posted a comment on Tony's blog about how he used to inspire me even way back in the days before I had a blog (the olden days!) I would post on the Weight Watchers message boards, but to be honest, I never made any bonds there. A lot of my posts got deleted because (god forbid) they weren't DIET related.

Even on the board that was specifically set up for people with 200+ pounds to lose, I still didn't feel like I belonged. BUT...it did lead me to FreeWebs, which eventually (with some prodding from Dina) led me to Blogger. And I DO feel like I've found my place here. I'm free to rant and swear without worrying about some overbearing mod-type deleting my threads. I get TONS of support and advice and even some annoying criticism...that I need...sometimes.

I think it's so important to just find people that you can relate to. It's not easy being a 400 pound woman in the world. I get stared at and points and giggles and that's just when I'm standing around minding my own business. I like knowing I can bitch about it here and have people there to say "things will get better" or "fuck those assholes!"

I remember when I was like 10 and my niece and her friends were making fun of me for being fat. I got upset and started to cry. I went home and my dad asked me why I was crying. I told him it was because people were making fun of me for being fat and it made me sad. His answer: "well...maybe you shouldn't be so fat." Thus began a lifetime of holding in a lot of rage and sadness and just being the funny fat friend so at least they'd be laughing WITH me, not AT me.

I guess I'm just saying...it's nice to have a place to let it out. I feel less crazy :)

That being said...there are lots of new peeps joining our ranks and they all need our support! Having a bunch of great people who read my stories is great. Having people comment about how they relate is AWESOME! I want everyone to have this! I compiled a short list of new blogs that I've been reading in the hope that you'll stop by and check them out too! So...do it, eh?

Fuck You Cookie - Chris' exceptionally-titled blog. Plus, he's brewing his own beer, people.

Fatty Blogsticks - her awesome drawings alone should be enough to garner a million followers...but it's also a great blog. I'm a big fan of her 52 Reasons, so far :)

Twon - A fellow low-carber! Go check out his Energy Kick-Start Challenge...then join it!

Dear Dr Atkins- Rob is yet another low-carber. WE ARE EVERYWHERE!

411 Gurl - Cutest blog format ever! Also, she's around my size so we vowed to kick ass together. Go cheer her on!

Project Look Good Naked - Katy: A Sister in the Struggle! She leaves great comments too!

Flabby McGee - A cool gal trying to get healthy. Diabetes can suck it!

Losing Harry - Watch Al's stationary bike tour across America! He freaking lost 11 pounds this week!

The Clydesdale Project - So it turns out Clyde's blog isn't as new as I thought, but I can't NOT include him. He's way supportive and always leaves me nice helpful comments, PLUS...he's like, the next Lance Armstrong. But with both balls..........as far as I know (?)


BACK FROM THE GRAVE! Don't forget these oldies but goodies making their most triumphant return!

Twinklydots - If you need a 4X size tie-died bustier with attached tu-tu, you've found your gal.

Farsination - Congrats on the Masters! That kicks ass :)

A Load Off My Chest - He's back and almost at goal!

Whew, I sure hope all those links work! Maybe you don't know this about me, but I'm actually NOT some computer genius, you know? If they don't work, lemme know.

If you've got a new blog that I haven't found yet and you need some lovin', get yourself out there! Post some comments and spill your guts. Send some love out into the blogosphere and you'll be surprised at the amount you get back in return.

Now, before I leave, and to save this post from being a total mushy love-fest, I have a video to post! So like, you know the one lady at work that's doing low-carb with me? She LOVES it. Like...for real, love. Not that he's-kinda-cute-love, but that I-WOULD-DIE-FOR-YOU-love, you know? It's because she loves butter. I'm not really a fan, but whatever...some people love butter and she's one of them peoples. So every day at lunch she busts out the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray and goes to town on whatever she's eating. I bet she gets tendonitis from all that damn spritzin'. Anywho, she thought I wasn't paying attention and just sprayed some right into her mouth the other day like it was Binaca and she was about to do some passionate kissin'. I DEMANDED she do it again and let me film it! For you guys, obv.

I'm gonna really miss her when her heart gives out.

Alright, this is long as shit, so I'm out. Click those links! Share the love!

Just letting it out...

Gah, this weekend blows.

Yesterday when I got up for work, my dang car wouldn't start. I mean, it wouldn't even try! I convinced myself it was the battery and had to go wake Jeff up to take me to work. Only problem is, he had just gone to bed like an hour before I had to wake him. He is NOT good on sleep-deprivation! I had to keep pacing around yelling "C'MON BABE I'M GONNA BE LATE!" about 40 times a minute because he kept zonking out like some toddler on a long car ride. I shouldn't bitch because I'm sure I would have been one grumpy bitch had the tables been turned, and I was technically only 3 minutes late. But when you work in a call center, three minutes matters! Man, I hate that shit.

Anyway, it wasn't the battery! Alternator. Bleh. $144.99. There goes THAT paycheck. Oh well, cars fuck up, that's life, I guess. Hopefully I'll get it back today because I have shit.to.do. Ya know?

Mother's Day is always all emo for me. I miss my mom like crazyyyyyy. Every day I remember something about her and it makes me smile, then makes me sad. I really wish she was still around to help me figure out my life and tell me everything will be okay. And to sing along loudly to songs I hate on the radio in the car. :)

It's also the tw0-year anniversary of my niece's death. Which still sucks every day. Mostly I'm just mad about it. I miss her a lot and it just...sucks. At least twice a week I'll think of something I wanna say to her and then have to remember she won't be there to hear it. That girl could quote Anchorman lines like nobody's business! Gah...I just miss her so much.

Plus, I find myself questioning and struggling with my own beliefs about death and what happens afterwards lately. It's a weird feeling. I've held on to these thoughts so tightly and defensively my whole life for comfort and strength, and now it's almost like I'm fighting myself to change them. I just don't know anymore and it feels so weird to say it. There's all this guilt in letting go. It makes dealing with death so much harder.

Add in more bullshit drama from my sisters who aren't happy unless they have something to be pissed off about. I just don't care anymore.

All I wanna do is stay on plan and keep going and doing this for myself.

I'll make it through this weekend and I know I'll be okay.

Happier posts next time...promise!

Tonite...we dine in hell.

Before I get started...if you weren't around for the introduction of Project 300, kindly click HERE and join in on the fun!

I think the giveaway will be 300 things. To one lovely person. That's a lot of things. I haven't decided what things yet, but I promise no cheese puffs or some other fatty gag like that.

Side note: I wonder how long it would take a person to put down 300 cheese puffs? I remember once in fatter days, we bought one of those barrels of cheese balls from Sam's. You know the ones? Like a fat little plastic barrel full of finger-staining-artery-cloggin' goodness. I remember thinking that it was like the fattest thing I ever ate. In hindsight, I'm sure that's not true. BUT...I think sitting on the bed watching Top Chef reruns and eating from a barrel pretty much is like the prescription for an early death.

Now I just gotta get that barrel full of pork rinds. No carbs! From here on out, I would like all my food to be in barrel form.

Enough about barrels, GEEZ. I challenge any of you to use that word five times in one cohesive blog post. Winner gets a Barrel of Monkeys. Oh shit, make that six!

In other more boring barrel-less (7!) news, my boss made like a weird comment about my weight today. Since we started the challenge thing at work, I've lost roughly 14 pounds. We were standing around gabbing like a bunch of old hens and I was bitching that losing 14 out of 400 ain't gonna get it. Then she was like "I can totally tell you've lost weight." And I was like "uh yeah, okay." And she's like "no, seriously, like in your...(makes hand gesture)...this area."

For the record, the hand gesture was the equivalent of like a circle around my neck/chins area. So...like, my neck fat. So I said "you mean my neck fat? You can say it!" She looked at me like I just said I was a martian or something. NECK. FAT. It's a thing, and I have it. 2.5 chins leading into a fatty neck. My beard of fat. I'M okay with it, why can't she be?

Apparently it's one of those words she won't say. Like how she always says "oh my heck!" instead of "oh my god!" Mormons, you know? Thou shalt not mention thy neighbor's beard of fat.

Anywho, since it does indeed exist, and she noticed it going away-ish, that's a great thing! I accept it, but that don't mean I want it. Like herpes....Wait, what in the hell? Heck. I meant heck.

This got weird. I don't really have herpes. If I do, someone's got some 'splainin' to do! Like the opposite of Mary. Immaculate clap. This ends NOW.

Did someone mention something about 'cohesive'? Feel free to pray for my soul at will. Thanks!

Two fitty. Also, awesomeness.

Whoa, I just realized I have 250 Followers as of today! That kicks asssss!!

That's awesome, dudes, seriously.

Here's the deal: If I can get up to 300 followers, I'll have a rad face-rockin' giveaway! So...tell your pals! Link to this post and you'll get a FREE ENTRY into said awesome future giveaway (you know you wanna...)!

Project 300! I'll keep tryin' to get closer to 300 pounds and you guys try to get me to 300 Followers...deal??

Let's doooo this!

The fish so nice they named it twice!

Day 10!

Today kinda sucked for a Cinco de Mayo. Everyone at work was munching on chips and homemade salsa all day while I had my daily meat-fest. It was the first true craving that I've had since I started low-carb again. But for some reason, it really made me want ice cream. Maybe it's because no binge is ever complete without at least a solitary pint of some flavor du jour of Ben & Jerry's. So wanting to eat bad shit makes me crave ice cream. My body...it know what it wants...and it's not that fucking mahi-mahi I picked my way through for dinner.

Crudely-drawn ice cream cone = 0 Net Carbs*

I'm pretty sure the real craving is just a PMS-y symptom. My shit's like all jacked up so I never know when that crazy bitch is gonna show up to ruin my day(s). But my back hurts and I keep crying over like the STUPIDEST shit...so yeah prolly.

Today I was reading this LiveJournal of this girl that died from Cystic Fibrosis recently and I was sitting at my desk bawling all day like a dummy! Don't get me wrong, it's sad. Like...awful. But still, to cry at work? To risk being seen and clowned for a lifetime?? Stupid emotions!

Also...super bitchy. I can tell because I almost threw some kid off a stairwell today when I got home from work. ARGH! These damn kids in this apartment complex drive me crazy! For some reason they decided that MY stairwell was the perfect place for their dang clubhouse. So from the time I get home until Dark:thirty, all I hear is a bunch of bratty kids outside my door talking shit.

So today I get home and this tiny jerk is standing on the ledge above my door holding a WATER BALLOON. Oh hell no. I looked up at her and go "If I were you, I would NOT do what you're probably thinking about doing." She giggles. For some reason, this enrages Trish-Hulk. "I'm SERIOUS. DO. NOT." More goddamn giggles.

I am a grown fucking woman standing 2 feet from my doorstep afraid to unlock the damn thing! Growling through my teeth at someone two feet tall. If there has ever been a more pathetic sight, surely I have not seen it. (and don't call me Shirley, ahthankyou...)

I stay there, frozen, and gaze an extremely hate-filled stare. She sucks her teeth and says "I wasn't even gonna throw it anyway, GAWD!" Sass! Sass at a time like this??! Does she not know the egg is dropping?? I will shake the shit out of a kid, dammit.

Alright, not really, I love kids and blah blah blah, but I'm just saying...Today is not the day.

That being said, at least I didn't fuck up my diet. TRULY AMAZING. Truly.

What is this? A center for ants???

So I ordered a swimsuit the other day since the one I got at Catherine's was like a lesson in tuggin' and pullin' and to be honest, it just plain didn't fit. If only denial burned calories...

So anyway, the thing's supposed to arrive on May 10-ish. I've spent the past few days staring at my extremely hyper-white legs and wondering what to do about 'em. This one girl at work is talking about having a pool party, and it strikes fear in my extremely self-conscious heart. Or maybe that's from all the beef I've been eating. And I don't mean that metaphorically.

Anyway, I don't wanna tan, cause that's gross and impossible. My skin has two shades: White and red. (add in my blue veins = AMURICA!) There's no light golden brown on these hamhocks. So the sun is out.

Then there's spray tans. Getting naked and being sprayed by strange liquids. HELLO EVERY SATURDAY NITE OF MY LIFE! Or none of them. Amirite? Oh yeah.

Moving on, I'm talking to my boss about my dilemna and she gets an overly-excited look on her face and screams out "TAN TOWELS!" Once I got her to calm down, she told me they're like these towels that you rub on your parts and they turn brownish(?). Less whitish. Sounds weird as hell, but she insisted that they're man's greatest accomplishment since the space program. So I was like "well...alright, bring me some to try."

So she stops by my desk today and this is what she gave me:


What in the hell?? They're like the size of alcohol swabs! This is when I realize that my 160ish pound boss has like ZERO concept of my true size. Sure she knows I'm a fattie and she knows my weight (UGH), but still...what the fuck am I supposed to do with these tiny little towelettes? I would need like one per appendage and like 40 for the rest of me.

Apparently that little sniplet of a towel is supposed to cover half your body. Well, not my body. But some bodies, I guess. As for me, I will keep searching the world for a way to be less white. What do you guys do?

In other news, I lost a little weight last week. The low carb saga continues. If I'm counting my weight last Monday, I'm down just over 5 pounds. But the last time I "recorded" a weigh-in for the Biggest Loser dealy at work, I was at 388.8. So today was 386.0. So theoretically, I guess you could say I lost 2.8 in like a million weeks since before my birthday when I completely lost my mind and ate as a family of four.

But at least it's a loss.

Still in second place though...Curses! That bitch is like...unbreakable. Time to go all 80s sitcom and send her some truffles from a secret admirer. By any means necessary, dudez...